TORONTO — In what many industry insiders believe is a plea for help, hip-hop superstar Drake tweeted a confession earlier today that his studio was haunted by ghostwriters.
“Pray for me and 40, son,” the Degrassi alumni tweeted to his legion of followers. “Fiendish ghostwriters everywhere in this piece!”
A pale Noah “40” Shebib clarified his collaborator’s tweet. “We should have listened to Meek Mill,” the producer said, clutching a protective amulet against his chest. “He told us this studio was haunted. We were too busy clowning on him with beef memes to listen.”
Shebib pointed to a pile of paper in the corner of the studio. “And then the lyrics started showing up,” he said, his eyes growing wide.
A haggard Drake called a press conference to address the situation. “They won’t leave me alone, man. I’ve got poltergeists buggin’ out on my Blackberry,” said the visibly frightened Drizzy. “They’re putting fire verses in my Google Drive and sending out shade tweets when I’m sleeping.”
Witnesses say the ghostwriters have grown more aggressive. “Drake freestyled like a man possessed on my show,” said DJ Zane Lowe. “Turns out he literally was possessed! They jacked his body like it was a hot beat.”
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“Word to God, they’re putting me on that Linda Blair shit,” said the man who was unable to run from his woes. “My boys found me spider-walking on the ceiling last night. I spat pea soup all over Nicki Minaj! I doubt she comes back after that.”
Drake claimed the ghostwriters wrote hashtag raps in blood on the walls of his studio, and even went so far as to make a collaborative mixtape with 2Chainz through a seance held at DJ Khaled’s jet ski funhouse.
“I only want to spit my own shit,” pleaded Drake. “But the ghostwriters are wildin’ out! If I don’t rap what they write, they knock over my IKEA bookcases and spew ectoplasm all over my fresh OVO gear.”
A team of major label exorcists have been called in to calm the tormented ghostwriters and attempt to trap them with NDAs. However, negotiations with the angry spirits deadlocked due to Lil’ Wayne dumping champagne all over the Ouija board.
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