CHICAGO — Local shoegaze band The Distant Star announced that they were intending to perform a couple more songs, ruining the nights of dozens of audience members, confirmed sources who checked the time several times since.
“You’ve been such an incredible audience, thank you so much for coming,” said frontman Barry Blazer without a hint of irony. “It means the world to us you being here, to be able to look out and see so many familiar faces. Friends, family members, co-workers, people who I’d notice if they left early and would be really, really upset about it. We have a couple more songs we want to play. The first means a lot to me personally. As some of you know my cat Wiggles went to the great litter box in the sky a few months ago. For the longest time I didn’t know how to process that pain until I wrote this nine-minute magnum opus. After the song, we will also hold a live Q&A session before moving onto another track.”
Show attendee Laina Parks took the news especially hard.
“Don’t get me wrong, I mildly enjoy this band as much as the next person, but it is a weekday evening. Some of us have work in the morning,” Parks muttered while scoping out every possible exit in the venue. “I’m pretty tired after my shift at the hospital and it’s a long drive home. Hopefully it’s not those instrumental odysseys he’s been telling us about or one of those long and repetitive ones. I guess I have no choice but to stay and weather the storm. If I end up getting through this, I vow to never go to a show again.”
Music historian Cliff Baxter provided some advice for showgoers in this unfortunate position.
“There’s only so much an audience can take before their body language screams ‘that’s enough,’” Baxter said. “There’s always a hell of a rush towards the parking lot when this one’s over. However, there are a few ways one could theoretically get out of this sort of pickle. For one, someone could pull a fire alarm or, better yet, call in a bomb threat. Additionally, you could cut the power from outside the venue or even climb through the rafters ‘Die Hard’ style to unleash hazardous carbon monoxide or toxic gases to make the band end their set.”
At press time, terrifying rumors began circulating that there might be an encore as well.