PROVIDENCE, R.I — Local crust punk Phil “Sponge” Baker is planning on participating in today’s economic blackout by vowing to only use his parents’ credit card for essential purchases, itchy sources confirmed.
“Thankfully, I made sure to plan ahead. I filled up my car with gas and did a massive Whole Foods run last night. I installed a secret refrigerator in my closet so everything can be safely stored in there while I ride out the day. The timing of this blackout couldn’t be worse because my dad just gave me permission to buy a new guitar, and now I have to wait until Saturday,” said Baker while indulging in chocolate truffles. “But I guess that gives me more time to come up with the story I tell my roommates about how I shoplifted it from Guitar Center.”
Baker’s roommates all claim to know that he comes from wealth and use it to their advantage.
“When Phil started coming to shows he was the only kid who owned a Mercedes. That was the first clue. The second clue was when someone Googled him and found out his dad owns a private security firm that works with state prisons. The kid is loaded,” said Eddie Buchmann, a long time “friend” of Baker. “He’s the only guy we make pay rent, we told him all 12 of us pay $3,200 a month and he’s never once questioned it. And he buys all the groceries each week, he likes to make up cute little stories about how he stole everything and almost fought a security guard, but we know the truth.”
Sociologist Lisa Mason says the economic blackout could potentially be hard on crust punks funded by their parents.
“Roughly 75% of crusties are thought to have substantial trust funds. Hiding this fact from their closest friends takes time and money, and suddenly upending the capitalist structure of our society could forcibly reveal their secrets,” said Mason. “The best way for a rich crust punk to look legitimate is to call out other punks for being posers. On days like today we will see a lot of finger pointing and reputations could be ruined forever.”
At press time, Baker was relieved to find out the economic blackout had no effect on his parents paying for his cell phone, car insurance, health insurance, retirement plan, and improv classes.