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Crowd Composed Entirely of Assholes Successfully Redirects Circle Pit

SIMI VALLEY, Calif. — The science community was baffled this weekend when a circle pit inexplicably began to rotate clockwise during a local backyard show performance by the band Born Outside.

Although no one is entirely sure how it happened, many researchers believe that it might be a sign that the earth’s magnetic poles might be ready to reverse. Others, like sociologist Jonas Stillburn, believe it may have been a social, not magnetic, phenomenon.

“If the cause of this redirection was a weakening of the earth’s magnetic poles, then we would be seeing this phenomenon happening everywhere, rather than just in one location,” Stillburn explained. “I believe the actual cause of the pit reversal was a bunch of assholes.”

In his new peer-reviewed paper, Stillburn explained his hypothesis.

“When you introduce an asshole into a circle pit, its basic instinct is to go against the natural counter-clockwise flow, in hopes of achieving its goal of starting shit. Now, according to my research, if you were to have a circle pit made up entirely of assholes, the circle pit could theoretically start flowing in the opposite direction,” Stillburn’s paper reads. “There’s a tipping point, and my data suggests that a critical mass of assholes may have been reached in that Simi Valley backyard last weekend.”

 

Although Stillburn’s “asshole theory” is promising, he admits it is still in the early stages of testing.

Related: Starbucks Opens Location Inside Mosh Pit

“We can’t know for sure how many assholes were present at this punk rock concert until we can quantify how shitty the band was and how douchey Simi Valley is. Frankly, that’s going to require more funding and more research,” Stillburn said.

Until scientists can verify for sure what caused the pit to spin clockwise, they are warning anyone who wishes to attend a show to just stand in the back with their arms crossed and nod.

Article by Ryan Clark. Artwork by Dan Witz.

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17 Comments

  1. London January 9, 2015

    Lmfao!!!

  2. Hoo Know January 10, 2015

    did it take you all afternoon to make this up?

  3. tery January 10, 2015

    nothing new about kids going in reverse.kids been doing that for years.this article is fucking weak ass writing and who give a shit about a back yard party?go to a real show little writer.

    • Brando January 11, 2015

      Sounds like you know a thing or two about shit writing.

    • amebix January 11, 2015

      What is a “satire?”

    • J January 14, 2015

      yeah! wtf and stuff . Aww man im like so angry aaawwwww man like grrrr and shit

    • Francis January 18, 2015

      What you on about man, you were there!

  4. johe January 10, 2015

    Thoroughly enjoyed this.

  5. johe January 10, 2015

    Looks like tery is a clockwise circle jerker. 😉

  6. Blisster January 11, 2015

    Simi Valley is pretty friggin douchey, so I’d say its not a stretch.

  7. exploited January 12, 2015

    pretty much all of new berry park, thousand oaks and simi are pretty much shitty hipster rich kids.

  8. unclefungus January 13, 2015

    You MUST get this on Coast to Coast AM

  9. Satanicus January 13, 2015

    …….stand in the back and nod…Oy, that’s me….

  10. jizzing jeffrey January 14, 2015

    “Until scientists can verify for sure what caused the pit to spin clockwise, they are warning anyone who wishes to attend a show to just stand in the back with their arms crossed and nod.”

    That made me laugh so hard hahahahaha

  11. Nerdcore › The Punk Onion January 15, 2015

    […] with iPhone 6 App “Siri”, Metalhead Upset His Band Didn’t Make the CIA’s Torture Playlist, Crowd Composed Entirely of Assholes Successfully Redirects Circle Pit, Ex-Girlfriend Totally Normal Now, Brooklyn’s Newest Resident an Outspoken Critic of […]

  12. CounterclockWise January 21, 2015

    This is awesome. So far the best article here.

    The picture is a rehash from a real Agnostic Front gig?

Comments are closed.