SMITHFIELD, Ind. — A chart-blazing country pop song extolling the qualities of a small town spends most of its length bizarrely boasting about its high number of dialysis centers per capita, music fans observed.
“City folk will never understand how fun and fulfilling a town like Smithfield can be, especially if you have kidney failure. That’s why I wrote ‘Smithfield Days, Smithfield Nights,’” stated Branson Hutchens, who is a rising star on Not NOT A Christian Nationalist Records, a country label out of Texas. “If the dialysis centers aren’t enough for you, do you like Subway sandwiches? Ho boy, you’ll have a blast. We have four franchises serving a community of just under two thousand. Two are within a stone’s throw of the most homophobic church in the county. Eat enough Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwiches and you’ll be at West End Dialysis in no time. Long live Smithfield and whatever is left of your kidneys.”
The mayor of Smithfield presented Hutchens with the key to the city for shining the national spotlight on their humble community.
“Branson Hutchens has deservedly earned the key to the city, which can open any break room in all three dialysis facilities within city limits,” stated Smithfield mayor Mary Carterson, whose most recent political victory was opening the Ted Nugent Museum of Science in the town. “He provided Smithfield with a much-needed win. Our town has been hit with a total loss of industry, a never-ending opioid epidemic, and a frightening resurgence of Ed Hardy and Affliction fashion. We are working with state government officials to get us officially designated as the Renal Care Capital of Indiana. Can you imagine? If successful, there’s no reason I can’t run for state senator.”
Nephrologists are sounding the alarm after this unexpected glorification of very serious kidney diseases.
“There is nothing particularly pleasant or fun about kidney failure or having to spend hours per month in dialysis centers surrounded by beige machinery,” stated Dr. Loren Hagen of IU Health Methodist Hospital. “We also need to stop glorifying four chord pop country meme songs, which are equally as dangerous and threats to modern life. Johnny Cash used to sing about killing people for no reason.”
The future of dialysis centers in the United States are in question after Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr recently proclaimed that “kidneys aren’t real.”