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Concert Promoter Releases Wolves on Stage to Thin Out Overpopulated Ska Band

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — Local concert promoter Will Braun made the decision to release wolves on stage at local ska band Willy Honka and the Skacolate Factory for population control reasons, sources confirmed.

“We don’t take the decision to release wolves lightly, but once you see three french horn players take the stage, you know that the band’s population has become unsustainable,” said Braun, releasing a mating pair of gray wolves backstage. “Over time, the wolves will selectively pick off the weakest musicians, ensuring it can survive in the long term. We may sadly lose a few tuba players today, but if we don’t act now, the saxophonist might be completely drowned out forever.”

Frontman Willy Honka was found among the carnage of tattered bowling shirts and brass mouthpieces, and told his harrowing story.

“I just remember frantically skanking as fast as my legs would carry me, while the wolves were nipping at my checkered vans,” said Honka, sobbing into his fedora. “It was all I could do to keep rhythm as my bandmates were picked off around me one by one. I had to watch in horror as our fourth trombonist was brought down by the wolves—hearing the frantic toots coming from his trombone as he was torn apart will haunt me for the rest of my life.”

Though the band was successfully culled back from thirty members to a more sustainable seven-piece, famed environmentalist and avid ska fan David Attenborough argued that more humane solutions should have been employed.

“Wolves should be treated as the last resort to balance an ecosystem, especially when we have alternate tactics at our disposal. For instance, you could tranquilize a percentage of the horn section and reintroduce them into a jazz ensemble or marching band that’s large enough to support them,” said Attenborough, adjusting his suspenders. “If you imbalance a ska band too quickly, you might lose the horn section entirely and end up with a tragic situation, like late era No Doubt.”

At press time, Braun’s attempt to cull a jam band was ultimately unsuccessful when the wolves got too high on psychedelics after eating a couple bongo players and wandered off into the desert.