MUNCIE, Ind. — Local 29-year-old Reema Cordero was alarmed to find that her recently official new boyfriend has a sex mix that is reportedly only a few Locust tracks, sources confirmed while searching and failing to find words of encouragement.
“I mean, I really like the guy, but come on, the whole thing clocks out at around a minute and 17 seconds! Not to be judgemental, but a girl could really use a song with a bridge to at least entertain the possibility she might get hers too, jeez!” lamented Cordero. “And, all due respect to Justin Pearson and company, but the BPM on songs like ‘Get Off the Cross, The Wood is Needed’ makes for some, I’ll just come right out and say it — weird fucking! No time for foreplay, nothing to get me in the mood, just blast beats, synth squeals and snarling. There are girls out there that swoon for that stuff, but it sure ain’t me.”
Cordero’s new boyfriend, 28-year-old screenprinter Steve Bender, launched an ardent defense of the playlist.
“Oh come on, first of all, this could totally be a work in progress that has been taken entirely out of context. Well, sure, it isn’t, but I’m saying it could be, is all! Plus, get this: I don’t pay for Spotify, so the ad breaks between the tracks really add a bunch of time, so…” sputtered Bender, making sure to be out of earshot of his boys. “Those ads really rack up considerable seconds, we’re talking in the upwards of dozens. That’s an awful lot of humpage where I come from. Tons of humpage. I feel like you’re not picturing the sheer amount of humpage here.”
Locust leader Justin Pearson offered his voice of support, pulling for the couple’s success.
“Hey, I’m just proud that my music could bring any two lovers together, and make them happy, even if only one of them gets to remain that way after two minutes,” said a prideful Pearson with a sly smile. “The Locust’s music may be known for short bursts, but we’re energetic, god damn it. Call me crazy, but I’d rather be with someone like that than someone who screws to a Rick Wakeman concept double-album. Sounds like a tiring time to me. Get your rocks off and get to bed, that’s what I say.”
At press time, the couple is hoping breathing exercises and meditation could one day allow them to add Napalm Death’s “You Suffer” to the mix, netting them 1.3 more seconds of intimacy.