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Chino Moreno Wins Third Place in Chino Moreno Look-Alike Contest

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Deftones frontman Chino Moreno placed third today in a Chino Moreno look-alike contest held by local rock radio station KRXQ 98.5, leaving the crowd of tens of people in awe.

“Quite frankly, I didn’t know this whole contest was even going down,” claimed Moreno, who was in attendance by accident. “This is the same farmers market I hit every Saturday morning with my wife and kids — I just came here to get some kettle corn, and suddenly everyone was pushing me on stage because I had a chance to win a $25 gift card to Olive Garden. This seems kinda weird… this whole thing is kinda weird. Who even won? Am I getting paid for this?”

Local food truck owner and operator Dave Paisante ultimately won and chimed in on his road to glory.

“I’ve listened to the Deftones ever since my parents split back in middle school,” said Paisante, overcome with emotion. “Hey, Dad! Who’s the deadbeat son now? Jackoff. This band has gotten me through a lot of difficult times — like when I had to put down my horse, or my third marriage, or failing out of culinary night school. I finally feel like I have a purpose in life. I want to thank all the judges, the other beautiful contestants, and give a shout out to all the husky, goateed men of the world. We are all winners today.”

Surprisingly, Deftones faithful in attendance were unphased by the upset.

 

“Yeah, I mean, I get it — the guy’s got the look, like a middle-aged valet that just woke up from a nap,” said longtime Deftones fan Mike Fafara. “He beat Chino fair and square. You could tell Chino was really phoning it in, like he just expected to walk up onto that stage and win. That sort of arrogance will get you nowhere in competitions like this: you need to stay humble.”

At press time, Moreno was carrying his third-place trophy while browsing the farmers market for local honey, but declined to comment further on his poor showing.

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