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BREAKING: Gay Co-Worker Does Not Care Who or What Limp Wrist Is

PHILADELPHIA — Local man Eddie Lemburg was stunned today to learn that coworker Steve Winfers, who considers himself part of the LGBTQ community, is completely unfamiliar with the hardcore band Limp Wrist, office gossips confirmed.

“I get it. They’re a punk band, right? They seem like a lot of fun, I guess, and I’ll take his word that they ‘totally rip’ and all that,” said Winfers, Lemburg’s direct superior. “I just got a lot on my plate right now, and I don’t want to lie to the guy and say I’m going to check out this band out when I’m clearly not.”

Lemburg, the semi-regular bassist for local punk outfit Disgusted Thoughts, was visibly disturbed by Winfers’ reveal.

“It’s mind-boggling — Limp Wrist is such an influential queercore band,” said Lemburg. “I even checked their Bandcamp page to make sure I could use the word ‘queercore.’”

“It actually kind of sucks,” Lemburg added, “because I figured since he’s gay, and they’re gay, they must know each other… and he could get them to sign my copy of Facades.”

Other co-workers, while refusing to comment directly, did acknowledge the tension — a scenario many experts note is a rather regular occurrence.

“It’s not uncommon for punks in the workplace to grasp at straws when trying to identify with others,” said occupational therapist Dr. Lisa Rastner. “But the content of songs like ‘You Ain’t That Fierce’ and ‘Does Your Daddy Know?’ could prove problematic for any company’s HR department. That said, ‘Cruising at the Show’ is a fucking banger.”

Lemburg, for his part, has dedicated himself to introducing Winfers to new, lifestyle-affirming music — an enthusiasm not lost on Winfers.

“It’s very nice of him to try, but I have no interest in a band called ‘Gayrilla Biscuits,’ or listening to the Dead Kennedys because the singer ‘…sort of sounds gay sometimes,’” said Winfers. “You know what I am into? Eddie improving his job performance; his team is a wreck.”

“Also, please tell him I haven’t heard of Pansy Division, either,” Winfers added, “but I have heard of Salesforce, Microsoft Excel, and showing up on time.”

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