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Bernie Can’t Go on Stage Until Someone Fills in at the Merch Booth

ATLANTA — U.S. Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders could not go on stage yesterday to lead his fundraising rally until he found someone to take over his post at his merch booth, multiple supporters confirmed.

“Has anyone seen my road manager? He’s supposed to take over for me in a few minutes so I could do my thing — he’s tall, and has the look of someone whose country is overrun by plutocrats,” said Sanders, nervously drumming his fingers. “I only have, like, 10 minutes, guys. Could someone knock on the bathroom door or something and see if he’s there? I haven’t even made my setlist yet.”

Campaign road manager and advisor Adam Myles was last seen talking to a woman in a “Make America Skate Again” T-shirt about health care reform before ducking outside for a “vape sesh.” But, sadly, no fellow staffers could find him.

“I told Bernie I could fill in — I did merch for Remembering Never back in 2004. But he sort of just waved his arms in the air… which I took as a polite, ‘No, thank you,’” said Sanders supporter Isla McMurray. “I hope his manager can take over in time, because [Sanders] had this amazing encore in Baltimore last week. We even ate at the same Taco Bell after, but I was too nervous to talk to him.”

Onlookers confirmed Sanders grew increasingly frustrated by the absence of his campaign advisor, made worse when Sanders ran out of medium-sized shirts.

“‘One Percent’ is not just a number reflecting the people in this country who spent their lives hoarding wealth away from the 99 percent: it’s also the amount of people I trust with this,” said Sanders, gesturing to a road-worn steel cash box covered in Phish stickers.

“Fuck it. I’ll just wing it,” Sanders then added, throwing his notebook and cash box into his backpack.

At press time, Sanders left a cup of loose change at the merch booth with a sign that read, “Be the change you want to see, take the change you need to take. Be cool, yo! Sanders 2020.”


Photo by Zinger. 

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