LOS ANGELES — Singer/songwriter Belinda Carlisle officially retracted the eponymous claim of her 1987 hit “Heaven Is a Place on Earth” due to the myriad of current events that show the horrors of the world, sources report.
“I was young and naive when I wrote that song almost four decades ago,” Carlisle admitted. “Now that I’ve grown older and wiser, I of course have come to the conclusion that humanity has turned this planet into a completely irredeemable shithole. I mean, how could I not? Just this morning I walked past a man masturbating on the subway shortly after watching members of ICE tackle an 80-year-old woman as she was trying to enter a church, then I got home and saw a news report about how the world was on the brink of an irreversible climate disaster. How fucking stupid would I have to be to think heaven exists on this worthless rock?”
Fan Vanessa Gutierrez understood where Carlisle was coming from.
“I mean, of course I’m disappointed to hear this about my favorite song, but I get it,” Gutierrez said. “I was a little kid when ‘Heaven Is a Place on Earth’ came out, and it seemed to make a lot more sense then, but I guess the world just naturally seems like a non-terrible place when you’re five years old. I still love the song, but as the years go on it definitely sounds like more of a pipe dream. I suppose us fans are just going to have to enjoy the music while ignoring the lyrics going forward. At least I can still appreciate Slayer.”
Music expert Terrance Baldwin provided his expertise on the situation.
“Many pop stars of the ‘80s and ‘90s made claims that they were later forced to back down from,” Baldwin opined. “The sunnier hits in particular have not aged well with how blatant the unfathomable wretchedness of the world is. For example, after Roe vs. Wade was overturned, Cyndi Lauper admitted that girls might be more interested in regaining their right to bodily autonomy than just having fun. Obviously, things weren’t great in the ‘80s and ‘90s, but the emergence of the internet and social media have really brought the Earth’s worst aspects out to the forefront. I personally think the advent of Rotten.com was the beginning of the end.”
At press time, Carlisle also retracted her claim that life is a miracle, choosing instead to call it a “shitty accident.”