TACOMA, Wash. — Members of punk band The Shitbutts renewed their commitment to joining the 27 Club with a pact to kill each other if they’re still alive at 27, sources confirmed.
“At the rate we’re going, I’m 99% sure I’ll be dead at 27 after succumbing to a heroin overdose or getting shot after I fuck some biker’s old lady, but some things you just don’t want to leave to chance—like turning 30,” said frontman Mac McReady. “So I made our drummer Tim promise that if I’m somehow still alive before my 28th birthday he’d kill me in some legendary way, and I’d do the same for him. Push a tower of speakers over on me, stab me in the eye with a drumstick, whatever it takes to join Cobain and Hendrix in sonic valhalla.”
The Shitbutts drummer Tim Crawford admits he regretted ever making the 27 Club pact with McReady.
“Jesus, I wish Tom would let it go, we made that stupid 27 Club pact when we were nineteen—how was I supposed to know we’d live this long? I can’t die yet, I haven’t even gone through the ‘go to rehab and marry a porn star’ phase of my music career yet,” said Crawford, looking over his shoulder. “I turn 28 next month so now I gotta make sure he doesn’t electrocute me during mic check or poison my PBR before the show. Bet that dumbass hasn’t even thought about who is gonna kill him if he offs me first. Our bassist, Greg? Greg’s 40, is married with two kids, and faints if someone gets a nosebleed in the pit.”
The Shitbutt’s longtime manager Bart Ternsdale was reportedly tired of hearing about the bandmates’ pact.
“You know what Morrison, Joplin, and Winehouse had that these guys don’t? Fucking fans! Those clowns should worry less about joining the 27 Club and more about getting 27 living people to show up to their next gig,” said Ternsdale, stapling a poster to a utility pole. “Sell out a couple of concerts and then I’ll consider sabotaging the light fixtures above the stage and sending them out in a blaze of glory. But until then, no one is gonna care if some warehouse workers that moonlight in a punk band die in a tragic paint huffing explosion after an empty basement show—except Greg, everyone would miss Greg. “
At press time, McReady was disappointed to learn he actually turned 29 three months ago.
