MINNEAPOLIS — Touring sludge metal band Butt Abduction recently realized they can’t fire their deadbeat merch guy until they’re able to regain access to the band’s shared Venmo account, sources who could swear they had it written down somewhere confirmed.
“I’m still pretty sure it had a ‘q’ in it. Also maybe a dollar sign – or was it three dollar signs?” pondered Butt Abduction guitarist Dan Hosterfield. “All we wanna do is fire that shiftless merch donkey who keeps skimming off of our sticker profits. But until we can either change the password and steal his phone to get the 2FA or just decide to slum it on CashApp, it looks like we’re stuck with him.”
Butt Abduction’s merch guy, Derek Slove, is pretty confident his job is secure.
“Yeah, I change the Venmo password two or three times a week to stay ahead of these jerks. Even if they do remember it, that password isn’t doing anyone no good,” sneered Slove like a modern day snake oil salesman. “The thrill of it all really adds to the sick enjoyment I get from actively stealing from my former friends. It’s so goddamn easy to get away with this when your work’s only accounting feature is emojis. How isn’t everybody doing this?”
Rachel Drennter, longtime owner of punk venue The Stench Refinery, detailed her experience dealing with merch guys.
“I’ve owned this shithole for more than thirty years and I’ve never met a merch guy who wasn’t a deviant shyster. It takes a special brand of asshole to endure all the bullshitery of tour without any of the benefits of actually being in the band, so obviously they all have a scheme” Drennter explained. “Really, I can’t blame them. ‘Merch guy’ is about the stupidest job one can have and no one wants it. If these band’s are dumb enough to hand over financial control to a psychopath instead of just making the drummer do it, then they deserve to get ripped off.”
At press time, Slove had opened a secret Paypal account to serve as a “digital Cayman Islands” of sorts.