MOORE, Okla. — Local drummer Henry Cortez confirmed last night that he “totally knows” what sex is, and only asked a series of misguided questions “to see if you knew,” according to concerned witnesses.
“Look, I’m a guy. I’m good-looking, and I’ve totally done it,” he said, rubbing his drum stick against the edge of a cymbal as if to suggest something other than a poorly thought-out drum fill. “I mean, come on — who hasn’t gotten gnarly… in the sheets.”
Cortez, who allegedly referred to the act as a mix between “a slow mosh pit” and a “sick drum solo that lasts forever, but, like, down there,” at a recent band practice, is known to occasionally test the knowledge of his peers “…just to make sure they know, in case it ever comes up for them.”
“Yeah… he heard the lyrics to our new song ‘Fucked Up And Alone’ — which is about being drunk by yourself at a diner on a Tuesday afternoon — but I guess he thought it was about sex,” said Home Wrecker frontwoman Crystal “Spit” Spikowski. “I guess I could see it being an honest misread. Who doesn’t mistake casual dining and crushing despair for sweet carnal release once in a while?”
When pressed, Cortez vehemently confirmed he had “absolutely” done the “no-pants-ska-dance” tons of times, but refused to name or describe any of his previous partners, claiming alternately that revealing those details would be both an invasion of privacy and a waste of time.
“They’re in a different scene; you wouldn’t know them anyway,” he said. “It’s from all the tours I’ve done. Plus, it’s hard to keep tabs on all the babes I’ve touched buns with. It’s, like… so many, though.”
For their part, Home Wrecker released a statement firmly supporting Cortez’s assertion that he has “tapped a 40 oz.”
At press time, the drummer was found outside the band’s practice space, where he was “totally down to smoke some weed” and can throw $20 in on a dimebag.