ALTOONA, Pa. — A wave of 1-star Google reviews flooded a local McDonald’s location after an employee ratted out the suspected killer of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson earlier today, outraged sources confirmed.
“I do my best to monitor our reviews because my bonus depends largely on customer satisfaction metrics, and it’s looking like I’m screwed this year. Corporate is going to have my ass,” said McDonald’s General Manage Grace Winston. “Usually these reviews are about how bad the food was, or how long someone spent on the toilet after eating here. I can usually get people to delete them by offering up a few McFlurry coupons, but this is different. The reviews today are all about how one of my employees turned their back on the working class and that they should be ashamed of themselves for getting an American hero arrested. I actually agree with most of the people leaving reviews, my husband had a claim denied last year and we are paying over $60 thousand out of pocket because of corporate greed. So the employee who did this is on bathroom duty for the remainder of the time they work here, please come and ruin our toilets to teach them a lesson.”
At press time, the McDonald’s location desperately tried to restore good standing by announcing they will bring the McRib back.