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All Ages Show More of a 13-16 Ages Show

MANCHESTER, N.H. — Longtime hardcore enthusiast Chuck Abraham alleged earlier today that, despite being advertised as “all ages,” last night’s show at The Bell Mouth was entirely populated by kids aged 13 to 16.

The 31-year-old Abraham claimed this isn’t the first show at which he noticed this phenomenon. Abraham, who early last year launched a scene-wide investigation into recurring, fraudulent claims of “all ages” shows, attended last night’s show as part of his ongoing report.

“It’s almost as if nobody that goes to these shows, apart from myself, is over the age of 17,” Abraham noted. “Do adults no longer like moshing? I find that hard to believe, especially since you would have such a size advantage on some of these dweebs.”

Abraham first suspected foul play during an “all ages” benefit show last January, when he noticed nearly every person in attendance was dropped off by their mom.

“To call what I saw that night ‘all ages’ would simply be a betrayal to the English language,” Abraham recalled. “I don’t think they raised much money, because none of these people have jobs. There wasn’t a single person in the pit without orthodontic equipment in their mouth.”


In the following months, Abraham collected evidence everywhere he could in his effort to finally bring the truth about the “all ages conspiracy” to light.

“My findings were beyond my biggest fears,” Abraham said. “The median age of any given all ages show was 15. I don’t have enough notepaper to document every septum piercing that comes out as soon as a minivan pulls away.”

Abraham has taken to urging show promoters to address the issue, proposing alternative phrasing in lieu of “all ages” to avoid further miscommunication or deception—the most popular options including, “You’ll probably feel old here,” and “Go spend time with your family.” “It’s time to be honest about what to expect at these shows,” he said. “We can’t keep the facade going any longer.”

Sources close to Abraham claim his next “white whale” will be finding a 21+ show with anybody attending under the age of 40.