LOS ANGELES — Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis was seen enjoying dinner at a local Denny’s with his new girlfriend moments before requesting a senior discount for himself and a kids menu for his partner, sources confirmed.
“When you get to this age it would be reckless to not enjoy the perks. Whether it is an AARP deal for new tires, a senior discount on coffee at McDonalds, or using your exorbitant monetary resources to bag a recent high school grad. These are the golden years,” said Kiedis before putting on a pair of bifocals to read the dessert menu. “Me and Leo Dicaprio took our gals on a playdate the other day, and while they were tossing skeeball, Leo affirmed that in no way is it weird that my girlfriend was negative 13 when ‘Blood Sugar Sex Magik’ came out! Listen, even if I wasn’t dating Isabella I would still be eating Takis, watching ‘Riverdale,’ and helping someone else with their algebra homework.”
Hope Green, a server at the Local Diner, was genuinely bewildered at the interaction.
“I told her that there was a fried chicken platter special with two sides, but she aggressively pointed at the kids menu and yelled ‘chicken dippies.’ I think she was pissed because Anthony told her it was too much sugar to have both a Shirley Temple and a milkshake. I get that older musicians go for younger women but fuck, she was born after 9/11,” said Green. “I had a ‘Californiication’ CD in the trunk of my car. When I asked Anthony to sign it, his partner yelled out ‘Uncle Flea is also on that one!’”
Hollywood matchmaker Jeff Beauregard was well-versed in pairing couples with such a large age disparity.
“I like to avoid terms like child bride and dowry and instead use more friendly language. I’ll tell a parent that their ‘youthful honeymooner’ will most likely reward them with a ‘thank you yacht,’” said Beauregard. “It’s also important to avoid bringing up shows like ‘Fresh Prince’ that can lead to a ‘90s nostalgia vs modern remake drama argument. We also coach the men to not take it personally when their girlfriend calls one of their favorite movies ‘mid’ or when they’ve never even heard of a blockbuster movie that came out in 1999. They never mean it!”
At press time, Kiedis was busy finding the perfect go-kart place and Chuck E. Cheese for the couple’s anniversary.