DALLAS — Local freshman Sammy Clifton, the sousaphonist in the Rosethorn High School marching band, reportedly now has more road experience than struggling punk band Recession Proof after Clifton’s latest weekend competition in Fort Worth.
“It’s total bullshit, really. We should be headlining fests by now, but no out of state promoter I email has had the decency to even respond,” said Recession Proof guitarist Chip Deaver, lighting another cigarette. “That little dork-ass next door has seen more of this country than I have… and that’s pathetic, since I know he still has a bedtime. But the dweeb is always going on and on about playing gigs every weekend and traveling in a tour bus.”
“We can’t even get booked at the Pizza Palace! I swear to fuck, I’m one rehearsal away from switching back to full-time hours at Best Buy, ” added Deaver.
Marching band is mandatory for all students at Rosethorn High, and Clifton is no exception.
“I mean, it’s alright,” sighed Clifton. “Really, it kind of sucks, because you can kiss your weekends goodbye, and I’m surrounded by band parents all the time. Once I got some over-the-clothes hand action in the back of the school bus we take, which was pretty sweet. But otherwise, I really don’t care about it at all.”
Unfortunately for Deaver, his “long-term” girlfriend of 10 days may be even more frustrated with his lack of success.
“It’s really starting to piss me off,” said Tiff Brown, wearing a hand-drawn Recession Proof T-shirt. “During our five-day anniversary dinner, all he talked about was ‘that horn-blowing loser.’ A milestone celebration, and Chip completely killed the mood.”
“Like, I’m glad he has his little music thing, but he needs to wake the hell up,” she added. “I should’ve known it’d be a waste of time to trim up that night.”
At press time, Deaver was inconsolable after learning that his grandfather’s nursing home men’s choir landed a multi-album deal with Epitaph Records.