AUBURN, N.Y. — Local metalhead Stew Benendez came to the realization he could no longer headbang the way he used to after noticing how dizzy he became after simply getting off of his toilet, sources report.
“Man, when I was 23, me and my buds would bang our heads to Metal Church until the early hours of the morning while huffing four bags of glue and pounding 30 beers without even breaking a sweat, now I can’t even get out of my car without feeling like I’m going to faceplant on my driveway,” Benendez said as he put on a pair of grass-stained Adidas. “Could this be that I’m finally getting older, or is it just all the meds I take for my high blood pressure? Either way, it won’t ever stop me from jamming Iron Maiden covers with the boys in my garage, even if I have to bubble wrap everything in there.”
Benendez’s wife of five years has growing concerns about her husband’s lack of headbanging.
“I always tell him practice makes perfect and that you can’t just spend most of your time talking about how ‘metal’ you are, without actually doing any headbanging,” Sarah Benendez said. “It’s a wonder how he can even get up from the couch and get the mail without taking a header into the 14-foot skeleton we keep in our yard year round. I love him, but think it’s time he faces his headbanging and standing up quickly days are over.”
Doctor Sheila McDaniel, who specializes in geriatric care, claims metalheads can also develop conditions unique to themselves.
“The metal lifestyle is pretty much a breeding ground for brain damage. We see this in many patients who have spent decades listening to bands like Candlemass and Trouble,” Dr. McDaniel explained. “You would assume it would be the drug usage associated with doom bands like them, but oftentimes it’s the slow, consistent brain rattling caused by their riffs. Later in life, this can cause dizziness, slow reaction time, a penchant for finger foods, and an inability to like any bands that aren’t 40 years old.”
At press time, Benendez took the “Boy in the Plastic Bubble” approach to prevent any lightheaded spills while attending his latest metal show.