Hey working stiffs, do you feel like there’s something that could make getting scheduled 2nd shifts at the factory more exciting, like working up a sweat for reasons other than standing over a forge? Well good news rivet heads, because we’ve compiled a list of the sexiest Depeche Mode songs to elevate the sexual tension during the daily grind to new heights. (Click here to listen along to the playlist.)
“New Life”
Nothing better than the first song from their first album to kick off your day of carefully and delicately lubricating machinery to make sure those pistons are pumping seamlessly. “New Life” also sounds like it could be from a TV news magazine segment about the industrial sector, if it was made up of horny blue-collar workers like yourself.
“Never Let Me Down Again”
You’re not imagining it: you ARE walking in slow motion, shirtless, while sparks rain down around you when this song starts. Ignore the fact that your boss is waving his arms frantically and lecturing you about the dress code and “Potentially deadly OSHA violations,” because your mind is on a runway in an underground fashion show in New York.
“Strangelove”
If you work at a manufacturing plant that fabricates poles and you’ve been taking erotic dance lessons in secret (a very niche market), here’s your theme song right here. And since you probably have five more hours to go until your break, use this time to come up with a good stage name. Best way to do it is combining the street you grew up on and the cartoon character that triggered your sexual awakening. For us that would be “Union Tasmanian Devil.”
“Martyr”
Have you ever pretended your welding helmet is one of those fancy bird masks they hand out to conceal identities at orgies, or are you a liar? Hell, you can pretend to be whoever you want while you’re fusing metal together with a hot torch! Perhaps you’re a brusque blue-collar drifter, attempting to escape a checkered past before becoming entangled in a torrid love affair with the foreman’s daughter. And rest assured you too will be martyred for life because he’ll nail you to a fucking cross if he catches you (if you’re into that sort of thing).
“Walking in My Shoes”
Yes, it’s one of the best songs of the ’90s. But it’s also one of the best songs to soundtrack you wandering through that one part of the factory floor where they keep all the hanging chains (we assume) and think yeah, they should try walking in the shoes of a blue-collar worker rocking a half chub. Why yes, that is a power drill in my pocket and I’m excited to see you.
“Stripped”
While it’s a song about getting away from the hustle and bustle of modern life (the opposite of working in the industrial arts), at its core the theme of getting banged remains. If this were a scene from a movie from the year this song was released, it would be the part where the detective and the target of an assassination plot start getting too close. Just bring this same energy while you’re riveting bolts into the side of a truck.
“A Question of Time”
This song will absolutely get your blood pumping if you can look past the line “you’re only fifteen/and you look good” like you do the new underage hire on the assembly line. Seriously, where the hell is OSHA? There are some lines you just don’t cross.
“Get the Balance Right”
It’s time to go pro. The leather vest is on and you’re tweaking and tightening every nut and bolt in sight to the beat. There’s a tour group from corporate wondering if you’re some contractor hired to motivate the team by dry-humping the hydraulic press. Just like the song, there’s a balance between being a productive employee and feeding your libido. If the suits ask any questions, just tell them you’re a temp.
“Behind the Wheel”
Ask anyone with a brain and they’ll tell you nothing is sexier than being forklift certified. Not sure what it is about driving pallets of barrels from one side of a building to the other that makes a person radiate raw sexual prowess. It could be the pheromones or the diesel fumes in this poorly ventilated building talking dear reader, but anyone behind the wheel of DP15-35 can have us.
“Suffer Well”
Hopefully you don’t have any active workers’ compensation claim against the company, because it’ll really put a damper on treating the factory floor like your personal BDSM playground. And the last thing you need is to be called into HR, decisively the least sexiest department in job history. This song should be your reminder to avoid lifting anything over 50 pounds.
“Everything Counts”
Time for a little cooldown. You don’t want to blow your wad halfway through the day, do you? Musing about corporate greed is a guaranteed mood killer, which your CEO is definitely engaged in. Unless you’re into financial domination, in which case you may reach levels of horniness the mind cannot comprehend.
“Lie to Me”
A bass line as good as this should be illegal, and on top of that David Gahan hits it right on the nose with “lie to me/like they do it in the factory.” You have to admit, it’s kinda hot the way your boss teases and strings you along with the promise of a raise and shared revenue just for them to buy back the factory’s stocks and take a private jet to Fiji. And every morning you come crawling back for more like a good sub.
“Love, In Itself”
Much of early Depeche Mode songs like this sound they took a tape recorder to a steel factory in Newcastle and then added lyrics while applying baby oil to themselves. It seemed to work out well for them so what’s stopping you? Hit record on your phone next time you’re on the assembly line and try to name as many sex positions as you can for three and a half minutes.
“Black Celebration”
Let’s face it, the manufacturing sector in the United States is in shambles and it’s likely this factory is one bad quarter from being shuttered permanently. On the plus side, it’s one day closer to a boring ball-bearing fabrication plant becoming a cool, sexy underground dance club where everyone wears assless chaps and strangers just hand out pills! May as well get a head start on that and cut out the bottoms of your coveralls. I’ll drink to that!
“Policy of Truth”
Great concept being brought up here: is taking the moral high road really that beneficial in the long run? In light of that, maybe don’t tell your coworkers you took six of those pills you bought in the gas station bathroom. Not only could it impact your ability to operate machinery but it might get you labeled as a depraved sex maniac. Keep it your little secret.
“Enjoy the Silence”
Embracing the idea of “show, don’t tell” goes a long way in the bedroom and on the floor, especially if you’re wearing earplugs. Some knowing nods and gestures say more than words ever could, so maybe work on a way of silently hinting that you demolished an entire bucket of oysters during lunch and you’ve become a sentient aphrodisiac.
“Fly on the Windscreen”
It’s unlikely, but today could be the day you die in a crazy industrial accident. It’s a morbid thought to drift when your mind is predominantly on getting choked for fun, but it can also be your motivation to live each day like it’s your last. Why not be prepared to go out in a blaze of horned up glory? Ride that conveyor belt naked! Program that robot arm to spank you!
“I Feel You”
We know what you’re thinking and no, a gimp mask does NOT count as PPE. Then again it’s more gratifying to dress for the job you want (being naughty), not the job you have (blast furnace operator). If you need to scratch that itch, the looping alt-rock guitars will be the perfect background noise when you shove your pockets full of loose screws to build the ultimate bed of nails at home.
“It’s No Good”
Remember that time you forgot the safe word, and ended up suspended upside down by your nipples for three hours before your neighbors called the fire department. You learned two valuable lessons that day, one being to ensure future safe words are monosyllabic and secondly sometimes you have to be patient. Clock-out time will feel like an eternity when you’re turned on and stuck in the quality control line, but satisfaction is imminent regardless.
“Master and Servant”
Alright enough edging, here’s your payoff. You’ve been good all day and deserve a reward, but you’re still going to have to work for it. Oh, you didn’t think you’d make it to the sexual deviance theme song unscathed, did you? Get on your fucking knees and beg for it. And clean up your workstation!
