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$167 Concert Ticket Comes With Free Commentary From Guy Behind You

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — A special, VIP ticket package to attend Ozzy Osbourne: No More Tours 2 includes running commentary from the guy in the row behind you at no additional charge, StubHub has confirmed.

The offer, which costs $167.35 after applicable taxes and fees, includes one distant, obstructed-view seat, along with unrelated commentary from Bethlehem, Pa. resident and 45-year-old divorced man on a first date, Bryan Basse.

“Bryan adds an innovative fourth dimension to the modern, concert-going experience,” explained StubHub spokesperson Yajaira Mendes. “While most of the audience will be left to make do with only the artist they paid to see, our most valued customers will get to enjoy something extra special — mostly in the form of the loudest person you’ve ever heard, talking about the dumbest shit you could possibly imagine.”

Basse regaled VIP ticket-holders Clarisse and David Conway at one tour stop in Cincinnati with anecdotes about meeting his ex-wife at an Ozzy show 25 years ago, cheating on her with his brother’s girlfriend, losing “every last goddamn cent” in the divorce, and receiving a restraining order after putting a cherry bomb on the front porch of her new house.

“I think that guy had a few drinks before he even got to the show, but he still bought some extra large Budweisers for him and his date,” said Ms. Conway. “It was unclear whether her name was Heather or Hannah, because he kept using both over the course of the night… but, whatever her name is, she does not drink beer, and I can’t imagine she’s ever gonna call him back.”

For the Conways, the peak of the experience came during Osbourne’s second encore, when a rendering of “Mama, I’m Coming Home” caused Basse to break down into tears after audibly noting the resemblance between his date and his ex-wife, shortly before spilling the remainder of his beer onto David’s head.

“You can’t put a price on a once-in-a-lifetime experience like that,” said Mendes, of StubHub. “But, to be clear, it is $167.35, and we do not offer refunds.”