30. ‘Paradise Lost’ by John Milton
This epic poem describes the tale of Adam and Eve from the Devil’s point of view and basically makes a strong case that Satan got done dirty. Sort of like ‘Wicked’ for people who went to college. It’s a pretty dry and tedious read today but in 1667 it was punk as fuck. You’ll look smart, just be sure not to read it near any active crime scenes. Serial killers love John Milton for some reason.
29. ‘Brave New World’ by Aldous Huxley
This has been one of my favorite novels to pretend to read since I first wrote a book report on it in the 8th grade. This one makes me look slightly smarter than “1984” and gets me tons of knowing nods from pseudo-intellectuals who think “Brave New World” is obscure literature. Plus there’s more fucking than you’ll find in any Orwell bullshit.
28. ‘The Complete Works Of William Shakespeare’ by William Shakespeare
I call this one the honey trap of public reading. Bust this thing out in any public setting and within minutes someone will ask you why you’re reading it. Surely there must be a reason you’re reading Shakespeare in public, right? It must have been assigned to you in some way. You must be a student, or mayhaps an actor. Imagine the stunned look of awe on their faces when I cooly reply “Oh, I just enjoy it.” Sure, the extent of my Shakespeare knowledge amounts to watching ’10 Things I Hate About You’ and I’ve just been absently scanning this thing for dirty words, but they don’t know that.
27. ‘Steppenwolf’ by Herman Hesse
I haven’t seen the Steppenwolf movie, I’m not sure there even is one, but he did appear as the villain in Zach Snyder’s “Justice League” so I’m guessing I can piece together a synopsis from that if need be.
26. ‘A Short History Of Nearly Everything’ by Bill Bryson
Wondering how you can tell people you listen to NPR without telling them you listen to NPR? This book is like if Radiolab had a baby with, well, I guess Radiolab. Not only will it arm you with random factoids that make you seem like an intelligent person, but it’s also chock full of anecdotes about famous scientific discoveries that will bring you to the very brink of chuckling.
25. ‘1984’ by George Orwell
If you want to know what ‘1984’ is about, just look around at what’s going on right now. In other words, I haven’t read it, but I notice people give me a knowing nod when I say that, so really there’s no need. To maximize intellectual clout, pretend to read this dystopian classic on public transportation or at any coffee shop that calls itself a “community space.”
24. ‘The Metamorphosis’ by Franz Kafka
By inexplicably transforming a lowly salesman into a giant insect, Franz Kafka explores the question “Wouldn’t it be like, crazy fucked up if that happened?!” By reading this book at a public park wearing a scarf in the summertime I’m exploring the question “Don’t I look smarter and more interesting than you?” The answer is a resoundingly Kafkaesque “Yes, yes I do.”
23. ‘Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency’ by Douglas Adams
I tried pretending to read ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy’ to look quirky but smart at the laundromat, but it turns out way too many people have actually read that thing. Nerds kept coming up to me and saying stuff like “42!” and “Babblefish!” and I had no idea what they were talking about. Plus, while I have seen the movie (my usual saving grace) apparently it’s way different from the book because I tried telling people my favorite character is the John Malkovich sneeze guy and they all looked at me like I’m stupid. That’s why I’ve instead opted for this lesser-known Douglas Adams work. It’s about a guy who runs a detective agency, but the twist is everything is British and makes no sense. Remember to chuckle after staring at every page for an appropriate amount of time so everyone knows you get it.
22. ‘On The Origin Of Species’ by Charles Darwin
This book will undoubtedly make you look smart to the plebes who ride the same shitty public transportation as you. Darwin and Einstein are two top names when it comes to impressing fellow midwits. The best part is I already know how evolution works, so I don’t need to go through the mentally taxing process of learning anything new.
21. ‘Naked Lunch’ by William S. Burroughs
One of the few times where I’ve seen the movie and still have no clear idea what the book is about. If anything it made me more confused. Nevertheless, anyone curious enough to ask you what it’s about will be satisfied by an emphatic “It’s this crazy dude all messed up on drugs!” Great for clout at any weed-centric/counter-culture type gathering.
20. ‘Be Here Now’ by Ram Das
This is sort of like the bible for people who take mushrooms too much. If for some reason you find yourself needing to seem like the smartest person in the parking lot of a Phish show, well, actually there are a lot of ways to go about doing that, but one of them is for sure reading this book. Plus it’s mostly pictures, which is helpful because I’m high as a kite right now.
19. ‘A Confederacy Of Dunces’ by John Kennedy Toole
This New Orleans set story tells the misadventures of one Ignatius J. Rilley, an incredibly smart medievalist scholar who lives with his mom and acts like a total slob. He’s sort of the opposite of me, an intellectually insecure well-dressed person hoping someone cute at the coffee shop will think it’s pretty cool that I’m reading ‘A Confederacy Of Dunces.’
18. ‘Tropic Of Cancer’ by Henry Miller
In my opinion one of the few books that is actually enjoyable to read. It’s basically porn! It’s about this dude in Paris who fucks everybody and literally, that’s it. I have absolutely no idea why reading this book makes someone seem cultured, but who am I to argue?
17. ‘Diary’ by Chuck Palahniuk
I am Jack’s fragile pseudo-intellectual ego. I need you to know it’s not enough for me to just watch ‘Fight Club’ or even read ‘Fight Club,’ I need to read Chuck Palahniuk’s other novels as well. This one is written in the 2nd person which is great. As a person who only reads when people are around to watch me do it, I am extremely vain.
16. ‘One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest’ by Ken Kesey
Haven’t actually read it but I’ve seen the movie, which entitles me to stare blankly at its pages in public for some “look at how smart I am” points. Fair warning, I have been told that unlike the movie the book is told from The Chief’s point of view, which makes no sense cause that dude barely even talks. Anyway, if someone asks you what the book is about just say “It’s about all the stuff that happens in the movie, except the Chief says it.”