Personalities can be hard to cultivate. Many people find the self-awareness, honesty, and leg work involved in developing them to be daunting. Luckily, life provides various shortcuts and workarounds via hobbies.
Cars. Craft beer. Soccer fandom. These are just three examples of the many things society has deemed appropriate for a person to hang their entire identity on. With so many acceptable avenues for those who wish to remain 2-d characters, why is it that some adult human beings choose to make collecting sneakers their “thing?”
How many things does a person need to try and fail to get into before their stated passion in life becomes participating in capitalism at its most notoriously exploitative level? That’s what we decided to find out.
We found 12 self-proclaimed “sneakerheads” (ugh,) and asked them what failed interests led them to such an asinine path.
Todd John, Salesman
God, what haven’t I tried?! I was a flying drone guy, a guy whose always working on his truck, a guy whose always talking about buying a boat, I even watched college rugby for a year. None of those hobbies really reflected the hollowness I feel inside at all times.
Mark Fern, Car Stereo Installer
I grew up in a community with a really thriving hip-hop scene. I struggled to fit in because music and words never interested me. Then I noticed all of the hip-hop people wore shoes and I was like “Hey, I can do that!” Now, everyone calls me “The shoe guy” and I’ve had sex more than once. Life is pretty great.
Russell Bennings, Contractor
A significant relationship with another human being. Next Question.
Damien Rucker, Unemployed
Oh, I have a ton of other interests, I just like wearing expensive kicks as a status symbol. Plus I’m earnestly a huge fan of inflated overhead costs and barbaric child labor.
Pete Swalinsky, Jersey Mike’s Manager
Vintage. Air. Jordans. I’m just gonna keep repeating that until you go away.
Andrew Wentworth, Telemarketer
Funny story actually, I used to be obsessed with model trains. One day I asked a store clerk where the trains were, and he thought I said “trainers,” as in sneakers, and I was too shy to correct him, so I now I do this.
DJ Laz, Cashier
Before my sneaker obsession, and you might wanna sit down because you’re not even going to believe this, I was a DJ!
Abraham Benjamin, Car Stereo Thief
Technically I’m also a father, but I’m non-practicing.
Peter Marsh, Bartender
Cocaine. It just wasn’t expensive enough.
Eric Hart, Unemployed
Oh, I’m still a lot of other things. I’m an entrepreneur, an obsessive-compulsive, and a stalker.
Mark Hamlen, Customer Service Representative
Playing basketball. I was never very good at it, except for the part where you buy the shoes, so I leaned into that.
Albert Cross, Software Engineer
Look, I know it’s lame, but this is the least violent way my neurosis can manifest itself so just let me have this.