It’s been said frequently that when it comes to toughness, indie is easily one of the most candy-assed of all music genres, behind only Nintendocore and whatever the hell genre Ween is. And as a by-the-book, average sized woman, 50th percentile in height, weight, and tenacity, I am certain that I could easily neutralize and embarrass the following 15 indie musicians.
Beck
I bet as soon as you saw this list you thought “definitely Beck” and yeah, besides being the world’s foremost self-proclaimed loser, the guy’s 100 pounds soaking wet (maybe 115 if you include his big hats). This guy is going down with a simple atomic wedgie. Maybe a swirly.
Sufjan Stevens
Name the place Mr. “Bailed on my 50 states project 2 states in” and then start preparing your body for the Thunderdome. As long as Sufjan doesn’t start playing Casmir Pulinski Day, I feel pretty confident about this; square up. Otherwise you’ll find me huddled in a ball crying on the floor. It’s my one weakness, DON’T EXPLOIT IT, OK?
J Mascis
I’d almost feel bad for this beatdown as I’m not sure Lil’ Joey here would be aware enough to realize when I make him wear his ass like a trucker hat. Mr. Mascis looks like a dude who is always ready to take a nap. I think this sleepy little dinosaur could be overpowered with a basic fish hook maneuver to the ground where he could comfortably rest. Feel the pain indeed.
Stephen Malkmus
Pavement has been a regular appearance on my mix of the month for the better part of 20 years, but let’s not get sentimental here. The Malk better harness his hopes of ever defeating me. Sure, Stephen might try to hit me with a fruit-covered little filly, or zip-top soiled hand grenade, but I’d counter with a docent’s lisp candelabra to easily knock his geeky little crooked rain straight.
All of Arcade Fire
Wowie there are a lot of members of this band. But what? All from the Suburbs of some heartfelt indie movie town? In Canada, no less? Puh-lease. It’s appropriate these chumps love singing about funerals because I’d curb stomp these earnest Canucks like a game of Dynasty Warriors. Win Butler, the next cringy second-line you orchestrate will be your own.
Joanna Newsom
Listen, you seem like a nice lady, Joanna, but let’s face the facts. I’d easily pile drive you into dust. You AND your jabroni husband Andy, with or without what I assume is your attack parrot. Sure, you probably got some spells you would use like the little magic-type Pokemon you are, but purely throwing hands you don’t have a prayer.
Mac Demarco
Hey Mac, thanks for ruining the used Japanese guitar market for us average folks. For that I’m knocking that chip right off your shoulder and you’re getting a solid noogie until you say uncle. TWICE.
Conor Oberst
Oh Conor. We were just kids when I first listened to you in the attic of my parent’s house. You will? You will… be going down, ya Bright Eyed little bitch. Prepare for the first and last day of your life, bucko.
Tim Kasher
How could I mention Conor Oberst without mentioning his overshadowed brother in arms at Saddle Creek. Tim, you clearly need to work on your emotional regulation and insecure attachment issues. In the meanwhile, prepare for a knuckle sandwich. Your new ugly organ is gonna be your face.
Absolutely Not Mitski
Definitely the exception to the rule, because holy shit, this goddess would kick the shit out of me. Thank you for your service and the content you provide, please don’t hurt me like you already have with your words.