1966: 10 Year Old Piano Prodigy Kevin “GG” Allin Suffers Head Injury After Falling From Jungle Gym
The one-time wunderkind soon lost interest in classical music and developed a fascination with outlaw country and feces.
1968: John Fogerty Writes ‘Fortunate Son’
The business-savvy Creedence Clearwater Revival singer realized that future movies about the Vietnam War era would need a cool song to play over footage of helicopters landing.
1971: Jim Morrison Devises Foolproof Plan to Fake Own Death
To reward himself for coming up with such a clever idea, Morrison drew a warm bath and indulged in large quantities of heroin and alcohol which killed him immediately.
1977: Delighted Johnny Ramone Finds Perfect Bowl to Achieve Dream Haircut
After years of searching, the Ramones’ guitarist finally located the same 1950s Corningware bowl his mother had used to shape his haircuts as a child.
1980: Drug Dealer Mistakenly Delivers Large Amount of Heroin to Tom Petty’s Heartbreakers Instead of Johnny Thunders’ Heartbreakers
“It happens all the time,” laughed the surprisingly understanding dope-sick Thunders.
1985: The Cramps Announce Necessity to Tour Normal Rock Clubs as Reagan Administration Shutters More State Psychiatric Hospitals
“It’s getting harder and harder to find good gigs at asylums these days,” said frontman Lux Interior. “Fuck Reagan.”
1988: Swans’ Michael Gira Inadvertently Sets World Record For Longest Continuous Scowl
The perennially aggrieved frontman had no idea he was in the running and was completely shocked when a representative from Guinness World Records arrived with a plaque.
1989: Kid Rock Completes Reverse-Elocution Lessons in Order To Pass as a Redneck
The six week course successfully eliminated all traces of the aspiring white trash rapper’s aristocratic accent and mannerisms.
1992: Supreme Court Strikes Down Law Which Restricted Women in Alt Rock Bands to Only Playing Bass
“I enjoy playing bass of course,” said Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon, “but I’d also like the freedom to play guitar if I choose to.”
1996: Lighting Bolt Announce They Will Henceforth Only Perform on Floor
Drummer Brian Chippendale attributed their aversion to being on stage to his inner ear problem, which is exacerbated by altitude.