20. Mission Impossible
If you think spelunking over a bunch of lasers is hard, try turning your failed vape shop into an insurance payout. It took longer than 30 seconds for that strip mall to “self-destruct” but I got the job done.
19. The Matrix
Will Smith famously turned down the role of Neo because he didn’t understand the plot of The Matrix, and that’s where he and I differ. Not in understanding it, I don’t think anyone does, but in needing to understand it. Just tell me where to point the gun, when to say “woah” and make the check payable to “cash” please and thank you.
18. Demolition Man
Much like Sly’s character in this film, no one wants anything to do with me until they need some murder death kill done. I just think I would be better in the role because I’m one of the few people alive with a bigger ego than Sylvester Stalone. It’s pretty much just me and Frank.
17. The Fugitive
Another role I was born to play. I have been a fugitive from the law more times than I can count.
16. The Legend of Drunken Master
It’s the role I was born to play. A guy who’s absolutely awesome when he’s drunk and can fight anybody, but is constantly being told not to drink by everyone around him for absolutely no reason.
15. Conan the Barbarian
Okay this time the representation thing works in my favor because out of all the actors trying to make it in Hollywood, I’m the only one I know of who is a devout worshipper of Crom. The real riddle of steel is how the hell am I not in this?!
14. True Lies
I’ve always wanted to work with James Cameron, or literally anyone. I’m perfect for this role because I have a lot of experience watching women dance from the shadows.
13. Big Trouble In Little China
Kurt Russell dropped the ball hard here as Jack Burton. He’s supposed to be the star of the movie, and he’s a total fuckup! It’s like he’s trying to be a parody of an action star or something. Rest assured my Jack Burton would get the job done. Plus I already have great chemistry with Kim Cattrall — I used to send her stuff in the mail till they told me I couldn’t anymore.
12. Jurassic Park
This one’s more of an ensemble cast than a leading-man action vehicle, so you’re probably wondering who I would play. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and the T-rex is just calling to me. I’ve destroyed a lot of jeeps in my day, so the character resonates with me. I don’t even know who they have played him in the original, but whoever he is he relies too heavily on gimmicks. Instead of prosthetics or make-up, I would simply convey the T-rex through physicality the way my boy Bradly Cooper played The Elephant Man.
11. Red Dawn
Personally, I think the Russians invading American soil would be the best thing to happen since Ronald Reagan, but sometimes an actor needs to set their personal politics aside.
10. Speed
First thing I would do is kick that annoying chick off the bus and do all the driving myself. Then I would call Dennis Hopper and work out a deal where he wins but we split the money. Pop quiz hot shot — how did you not think of that?!
9. Blade
There are better martial arts actors who don’t pay taxes out there than Wesley Snipes. Like who? Like me.
8. Total Recall
Every morning I wake up to a recording of myself explaining what I did the previous night and whether or not I need to lay low.
7. Roadhouse
Dalton played this one all wrong from the get-go. He should have joined forces with Brad Wesley, that guy knew how to party! It’s sort of like how we should get along with Russia. The Double Deuce could have been a sleazeball utopia. What a waste.
6. Aliens
When it comes to leads in action films there is a serious lack of female representation, but it’s not like one less is gonna make a difference. Fit me for a power loader and lose the kid, let’s do this.
5. The Terminator
Nothing against the Governator, if anything Arnold is just too big of a personality for this franchise. I have been called robotic and emotionally devoid by every woman lucky enough to sleep with me, and have been told by many psychological professionals that I do a great job passing for human.
4. Raiders of the Lost Ark
This is another movie where I would pretty much do the opposite of everything the guy does. All of that work to get the ark and you just give it away to the U.S. government?! Do you have any idea how much the Nazis would pay for that thing?!
3. Die Hard
I don’t need the threat of a terrorist organization to make me walk barefoot on broken glass. I do it every BOGO night at Buffalo Wild Wings to show everyone I’m the alpha.
2. Predator
I know I know, Predator is an iconic masterpiece with one of the most memorable ensemble casts in action movie history. I’m not trying to mess with them, I just want to play the Predator. Except my Predator would win.
1. Robocop
I actually almost was a cop at one point, but it turned out their psychological assessment was biased against Italians. I’m also part machine if you consider my ankle monitor to be a part of me, which legally it is. Dead or alive, Peter Wellers’ got nothing on me.