Former President and “Home Alone 2” actor Donald Trump has been indicted by a federal grand jury over his mishandling of classified documents, with charges including conspiracy to obstruct, willful retention of documents, and false statements. Here’s everything we know so far.

Trump claims top secret documents “Not my type.”

This sentiment was undercut when he proceeded to mistake one of the documents for Marla Maples.

This was one of the classified documents

It’s hard to blame Trump for keeping such a sentimental document marking the happiest day of his life.

Trump’s defense team is expected to site “finders keepers” precedent.

If executed, this will be the first time a former U.S President has declared “Losers weepers” since Warren G. Harding

Barron Trump definitely getting a half day at school

“I wish dad got indicted every day!”

Rudy Giuliani pretty sure Trump won’t fuck him over for a fifth time

“If continuing to trust Trump is a telltale sign of my mental sun-downing then pass me the gravy!”

Learning from past mistakes, Trump’s legal team will be assembling outside of a much nicer adult bookstore this time

“The parking lot at Jake’s Jack Shack is huge, the best.”

Authorities are said to be in panic mode at the prospect of building a prison that can contain someone as physically powerful as Trump

According to the Super-Trump NFT card stats he’s stronger than Thanos and The Hulk combined, and unlike Superman, he is resistant to magic.

Trump’s legal team is said to be working tirelessly to come up with a funny, denigrating nickname for the arraignment judge

“More like ‘Aileen Can-not!’ Is that something?”

Trump’s affidavit spends no less than 6 pages describing how ugly Ted Cruz’s wife is

The phrase “we’re talking about a real dog here” was used 36 times.

Republicans can’t believe the media is making a big deal out of this when we live in a country where drag performers are encouraging children to read

“We need to focus on dismantling the insidious literacy-to-liberalism pipeline!”

Clarence Thomas is already shopping for a new bathing suit

“Let’s just say something tells me I’m gonna be tearing it up in the Florida Keys pretty soon.”

While denying any wrongdoing, Trump remains insistent that he is the world’s greatest spy

“Shamrock, extra whipped cream, shaken not stirred.”

Among the classified documents was a secret map to Bill Clinton’s secret porn stash buried somewhere in the White House

Joe Biden has called the map “the whole reason I became President in the first place,” and considers Trump “a total dick for bogarting it.”

Bogged in legal troubles, Trump has regrettably canceled all of his Pride Parade float appearances

“Yaas Queens, stand down and stand by.”