19. Berry Schneider
She talks a big game, but if she can drop the ball with peak manic episode Kendall she won’t do me a lick of good.
18. Jess Jordan
Jess was hard-working and loyal until the minute her boss got a Nazi elected president, and even then she gave due notice. You have to respect that level of professionalism.
17. Eva
Eva was pretty much brushed aside on “Succession,” but her “anything to win” mentality and complete lack of moral compass would serve her well in the kill-or-be-killed Venice Beach Boardwalk Shop community.
16. Siobhan “Shiv” Roy
She had some strong ideas out of the gate, but for someone who does nothing but gaslight people Shiv sure is terrible at it. She just kept saying long strings of buzzwords and expletives followed by some version of “It sounds like you’re telling me you need a new CEO.”
15. Lady Caroline Collingwood
I have to admit I did not have high expectations of the Roy sibling’s absentee mother in the t-shirt department, but her design pitch of a bulging set of eyeballs with the words “Face Eggs” is definitely an attention grabber.
14. Logan Roy
There’s no denying the L-to-the-O-G knows how to make moves and dominate the competition. His design pitches “Fuck Off Until I’ve Had My Coffee,” “Keep Calm And Fuck Off,” and simply “Fuck Off” capture his particular brand of blunt, straightforward genius. Unfortunately during our 20-minute interview, about t-shirts mind you, he managed to use every racial slur I’ve ever heard in my life and some that were brand new to me. Teaming up with Logan could be bad optics.
13. Karolina Novotney
She started off by informing me she was in the market for “some other schmuck to pay her a million a year.” Pretty steep quote for the boardwalk t-shirt hut industry but I like her mix of tactfulness and tell it like it is energy.
12. Karl Muller
What he did? In the ‘90s? With cable? Huge. We could use some of that magic over here at Whack-Eyed Tees.
11. Willa Ferreyra
I thought Willa’s designs were really funny in an ironic way that the hipsters and dipshits would eat right up. Unfortunately, she viewed her work as very serious and artistic. She got offended and left.
10. Gil Eavis
Gil is the worst sort of neo-lib in sheep’s clothing. He presents himself as Bernie Sanders but he’s no stranger to shady backroom deals and never shies away from perks. In other words, he would be the perfect face for my Venice Beach t-shirt company.
9. Colin Stiles
If you wanna survive on this boardwalk you gotta have some muscle, and that muscle needs to know how to keep a secret or two. You’re my pal, Colin.
8. Tabitha Hayes
Tabitha is high on the list for reasons I don’t want to talk about.
7. Oskar Guðjohnsen
All of his designs involved bears drinking liquor, pornography, or both. In other words, this Swede has a firm grasp on the Venice Beach boardwalk t-shirt hut scene.
6. Greg Hirsch
Greg has actually worked here on and off for years. He keeps alternating between being surprisingly useful and trying to stab me in the back. I have no idea why I keep taking him back.
5. Stewy Hosseini
A ruthless Machiavellian who knows how to party (sniff sniff,) Stewy is the exact sort of man I want to be in bed with, both financially and literally in a MFM scenario of course. His plan to acquire the best taco and shaved ice carts through a shell company and strategically organize them along the boardwalk to drive traffic away from “Beach Tee and Beyond” is a work of genius. We’re gonna figuratively and literally eat their lunch.
4. Ebba
Ebba took an incompetent man-child and made the world believe he was a genius. As a man looking to turn his t-shirt hut into an empire, I am in desperate need of her skillset.
3. Gerri Kellman
Gerri gets it. Professional, capable, a “stone-cold-killer bitch” when she needs to be, and proud of it, but with a fun side! I was particularly impressed with how she handled the Waystar Cruises scandal. As a boardwalk-based t-shirt entrepreneur, I’ve done some pretty shady things on boats in my day.
2. Roman Roy
Roman is rude, vulgar, problematic, AND business savvy. It’s like he was made for this gig. I was a little apprehensive about his shirt slogan pitch “Uh, like, fucking, I don’t know, COCK, or, whatever” but we printed it out and you know what? Pretty funny! I’m wearing one now.
1. Kendall Roy
Some people think that Kendall is an incompetent entitled loser. Those people aren’t cokeheads who own t-shirt shops on the Venice Beach boardwalk. This man is my idol. He knows people who know people who were on The Lampoon (Harvard) and it shows.
“We need shirts that make other shirts look like socks, as in people will stomp on them because of how sick nasty our shirts look. Okay? I’m talking fully dank, maximum dankage. Some Mom in Idaho goes viral wearing a Gorilla suit? That’s a shirt, Okay? Taylor Swift? Shirt. Slogans, pot leaves, maybe we get a little Tweety Bird in there yeah? That would be tight. Tight tight tight. Tweety Bird snorting bathtub crank off a Taylor Swift album while watching YouTube parodies of The Phantom Menace, fuck it, let’s get crazy. Get George Lucas on the horn. Get Tex Avery. Get me the world’s foremost expert on beach-side graphic design marketing and parody law, get me all of that 5 minutes ago. What about a shirt that shows everything happening in Afghanistan, right? A new shirt, every day with updates about Afghanistan? I would wear that. I would wear the shiz out of that.”
