15. Brian Bell “Teal Album”
Don Johnson meets the Darkness? This looks like what the most delicious piece of salt water taffy in the box tastes like. Pure lavender bliss. Am I even worthy? I asked my parole officer and they said I couldn’t pull this off on my best day.
14. Patrick Wilson “Red Album”
Considering I have a job interview at Geico earlier that day, this would be the smartest choice. Changing outfits is annoying and I could use that extra 15 minutes to argue with Matt Walsh on Twitter.
13. Scott Shriner “Black Album”
Have you ever been turned on by a mannequin in a department store? Yeah, me neither. I swear.
12. Rivers Cuomo “White Album”
I normally wouldn’t rank “Woody Allen as a non-playable character” so highly, but Rivers kinda looks like the quiet guy all the bookish girls crushed on in high school here, as opposed to me: the quiet guy everyone thought was plotting to blow the school up.
11. Patrick Wilson “Green Album”
This one really hits the mark for a pasty dude with a beer gut and no thighs. Props to their stylist for this one, because I doubt he picked it out himself.
10. Rivers Cuomo “Teal Album”
People often tell me that I remind them of an even less funny Jimmy Fallon, so why not wear it like a badge of honor, ya know?
9. Brian Bell “Blue Album”
I think this is what a hipster looked like in 1994. They say you should dress for the job you want, and I’ve always secretly wanted to be the guy that cleans shoes at the bowling alley or play upright bass in the Brian Setzer Orchestra, so this is a strong contender.
8. Scott Shriner “Teal Album”
Most social events devolve into me getting hammered on tequila and doing my best Scarface accent, so I might as well look the part.
7. Patrick Wilson “Black Album”
It’s hard to explain why I like this one, but I feel as if I’d be able to steal the centerpiece from every table and nobody would question me.
6. Patrick Wilson “Teal Album”
Will this outfit magically make my hair fuller and my jaw more square? It seems to have worked for him. Might just be the camera angle, though.
5. Brian Bell “Red Album”
Can you imagine being so hot that you can wear a goofy fedora and a sweater with elbow patches and somehow still have sex appeal? Fuck a wedding, I’m coming back as Brian Bell in my next life. I so desperately want to try this look out, I’m just afraid my dad my have a heart attack from laughing at me so hard.
4. Scott Shriner “Red Album”
This is the kind of outfit worn by a man who only owns one outfit and will punch you in the face if you have something to say about it. This is very similar to my current situation because a guy at the laundromat stole all my clothes while I was arguing with the manager about the price of Skittles in the vending machine.
3. Plastic Guy Reading Book “Maladroit”
This one would require a little planning, because my big entrance would have to involve jumping out of the cake while the DJ plays “Never Gonna Give You Up.” This would be particularly tough because I was banned from entering any confectionary shops within 100 miles as part of my plea bargain.
2. Brian Bell “Black Album”
There’s nothing you can do to make this guy look bad. Even when you cover him in black paint, he just comes out looking like the Predator meets Darth Vader. This one would effectively have me excommunicated from my family, but MY GOD would it be worth it.
1. Rivers Cuomo “Red Album”
Yes, this is it! If Randie insists on having a Blake Shelton song for her first dance, I’m storming through the party looking like Juan Valdez and the Marlboro Man had a baby played by Jason Schwartzman. Giddy up!
Stop streaming, buy records. Our store just happens to have some:
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