15. The Twins
These two are definitely sketchy-looking enough to be into crypto but they look like they are more likely to try to sell you fake ecstasy at one of those Zion underground cave raves than anything else.
14. Seraph
At first glance, he seems like he would not stoop down to the level of a crypto bro. He’s got that yellow matrix code and is more like a badass monk than anything. That said, all he seems to do is put his life in danger for his boss The Oracle so he may be looking to become independently wealthy by diversifying his portfolio.
13. Zee
She’s just trying to keep it together while her husband is out having weekend adventures with his incel friends running around in the sewers. She has enough free time and is probably just bored enough to get into crypto but she seems too smart for that. If anything she’d try to sell you on some detox tea or plant-based protein powder.
12. Morpheus
He is fully onboard in believing a prophecy to the degree of being a religious fanatic about it. So he’d probably be easy prey for falling for a get-rich-quick scheme and try to get you to join him even if it means you end up getting lasered by a sentinel or worse, losing your savings and having to move back in with your parents.
11. Commander Lock
Lock seems like a real boring hardass who follows normie social conventions and would only invest in mutual funds or a Roth IRA (I don’t actually know what a Roth IRA is but I think it has something to do with money.) That said, he also seems like a selfish douche so who knows.
10. The Architect
Oh god, this fucking guy. He obviously thinks very highly of himself and will just go on and on about his accomplishments and use words that you (and possibly he) don’t understand. Vis-a-vie, he’s a prick. Seeing as how he created the matrix he will probably try to sell you on a cryptocurrency he started that will fail miserably and that he will blame on “an anomaly.”
9. Sati
Sati is a program that was created with no real purpose that should’ve just been deleted and ignored but somehow became super important to a bunch of idiots. Sound familiar? She’s basically Bitcoin. But I guess she could also be Facebook or Instagram or TikTok or Twitter or Snapchat or you know any of these other things we stare at constantly that are ending society.
8. Persephone
Hopefully, she doesn’t try to sell you on investing in crypto because honestly how are you going to say no to her? Given her awesome exotic accent and the… everything else about her, you are definitely going to empty your bank account into whatever it is she suggests.
7. The Trainman
This unwashed miscreant built his own mancave with a neat choo-choo train so that he could feel like a big important man while deciding where people can and can’t go while exhibiting poor dental hygiene and most likely a bad case of halitosis. Crypto bro much, bro?
6. Agent Smith
He’s just a civil servant doing his job. He also hates all of humanity and wants to see this reality all come crashing down and what better way to hasten that than to persuade these dumb ass humans into destroying their economy by buying fake money.
5. White Rabbit
We don’t honestly know much about her other than she has a bad tattoo and even worse haircut. That said, she does convince Neo to follow her to some shitty nightclub and with those short bangs would probably do all right as a finance/lifestyle influencer.
4. The Merovingian
This guy just screams “new money trying to pass off as old money” so he probably doesn’t want you to know he made his wealth from Bitcoin but he’ll say you should invest it anyway in the most condescending way possible. He’d also try to use some pseudo-intellectual diatribe about “cause and effect” to get you to buy crypto but you also took Philosophy 101 so it won’t work.
3. The Oracle
She seems like someone who has all the answers even if none of the answers make a lick of sense. But given that she fancies herself as an “oracle” you’re probably going to fall for her bullshit anyway including putting your hard-earned savings into a financial fairytale.
2. Bane
Bane is a middle-aged white guy with bad facial hair who has had his personality taken over by something he saw online. So yeah, he is definitely into crypto. Given the opportunity, he’ll try to stick his hand in your chest and turn you into another chinless clone of himself.
1. Cypher
The very embodiment of the tech bro capitalist. He fucks over all of humanity just so he can rub elbows with the power elite and eat some steaks. I hope they have Patagonia vests in the matrix because that would really complete his look.
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