The world of “The Matrix” is a confusing apocalyptic hellscape built on technology inhabited by weirdos in cringey sunglasses who listen to terrible techno music and wield katanas while having a god complex about taking the red pill. So basically it’s exactly like the world of cryptocurrency in our present-day real-world dystopia.
The characters from “The Matrix” may be fictional, but so is the value of crypto. So we spooned up a bowl of protein mush and jacked into this world to rank every one of these characters based on how likely they would tell you to spend your money in the fake world of cryptocurrency.
Welcome to the desert of the real… insufferable assholes.
27. Spoon Boy
This self-righteous little twerp is probably too busy being all arrogant about his spoon-bending parlor tricks to pay attention to crypto. Although when asked what the value of Bitcoin is he would probably say “The truth is… there is no value.” And in this regard, he’s actually right.
26. Councilor Hamann
A boomer who has used his privilege to rise to a high level of power and is enamored by the water filtration system of Zion without understanding how any of it works. He’s not really the type to fully grasp what crypto is and is also probably too busy forwarding an AI-generated image of Kamala Harris eating a baby he saw on Facebook to get you to invest in anything.
25. Neo
Even though he is The Chosen One, ol’ Copper Top over here is too confused about what is happening in his surroundings to even know what a blockchain is. Sure, he can fly and bend reality and dodge bullets but can he make any sense of the crypto market?
24. Switch
She’s the only one out of Morpheus’ little cybergoth social club to wear white which means she’s at least contrarian enough to not go along with the crowd. She also is the only one who has no time for Neo’s nonsense. And since crypto is all nonsense, she’s not she’s not going anywhere near it.
23. Trinity
She’s already dealing with a reality where every action is controlled by a glitchy algorithm and doesn’t need another one promising her instant wealth. She’d probably rather jump out of a high-rise building than navigate the rollercoaster of crypto markets, where even Neo’s superpowers wouldn’t guarantee you won’t lose your shirt.
22. Dozer
He seems to be the only one in the scorched-Earth armageddon of 2199 to find time to hit the gym. That’s not to say he wouldn’t be into crypto but short-term investment wins don’t seem like the kind of gains he’s interested in.
21. Tank
Just because he is able to read the Matrix and see what’s happening doesn’t mean he’d be able to understand the crypto market. He’s already knee-deep in this technological nightmare and doesn’t need another complex system to debug—especially one with more crashes than his software.
20. Mouse
He’s got that lonely “nice guy” kind of energy that is usually attracted to crypto. But honestly, he doesn’t need wealth as a means to attract attention from the opposite sex when he probably spends all his time “jacking in” with the woman in red. Let’s just hope he cleans up those dentist chairs when he’s done.
19. Apoc
Apoc got killed because he was spending too much time online trying to be a hero and finding others who took the red pill. He may or may not be into crypto but we bet he probably stormed the Capitol on January 6.
18. Niobe
Hard to say if she’s into crypto or not but you should probably just go along with whatever she says otherwise her husband might just smack the shit out of you on live television.
17. Link
He’s already spent enough time unplugging people from shady simulations, and he’s not about to plug you into a financial black hole. He’s seen enough dodgy code in the Matrix to know that convincing you to invest in crypto might be just another elaborate trap set by the machines.
16. The Keymaker
A blue-collar tradesman with a job that gives him access to pretty much everything. Kind of like the janitor in “The Breakfast Club” he is the eyes and ears of this institution. So he doesn’t need some bullshit crytpo when he could just make a key and open up whatever you have locked up and take it. You know, like that Beanie Baby collection you keep holding onto in the hopes that it might be worth something again someday.
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