18. Knox Harrington
What the fuck is with this guy? Who is he? Why is this John Waters lookalike just hanging out at Maude’s house? Why would he offer her guest a drink and then just tell him where the bar is? This video artist would creep out our friends and he’d probably stay up all night giggling on the phone about paintings and German techno-pop music. He’s not the best candidate to live with.
17. Younger Cop
This man is at least not an asshole like his partner. He’s still an ineffective and unhelpful representative of law enforcement, but he understands that a loser can be a victim too. He’s a professional who knows to just fill out his report and leave. We’re not exactly looking for a nameless cop to move in here, but of the many police officers The Dude encounters, at least the man known only as “Younger Cop” hasn’t smashed a coffee cup on any of our heads yet.
16. Larry Sellers
Larry’s dad would probably have to pay the rent for him, because Larry is in high school and his dad is a successful screenwriter. However Larry gets his money, we know for sure that this kid is no snitch. He didn’t say a word when he was questioned about a suspected car theft. Even after the two detectives in his house turned out to be civilians and one of them threatened to cut his dick off, Larry kept his mouth shut. We need a roommate like Larry that can mind his own business, even if he is a fucking dunce.
15. The Dude
For all of his laid-back vibes, The Dude would not be the ideal roommate. He’s unemployed. He shares his name with a millionaire who draws the ire of criminals. He drinks and smokes constantly, which, to be fair, would fit right in, but is he ever going to pitch in on a beer run? There are plenty of better options, but his persistent positive attitude kept our deadbeat protagonist from being lower on this list.
14. Maude Lebowski
Yes, she had thugs beat up The Dude. But it was only to steal back the infamous rug that was a gift to her late mother and was not his to take in the first place. Other than that, Maude isn’t a bad candidate. She’s wealthy, and we’re looking for someone who could pay the entirety of the rent for us. And her ‘90s-feminist attitude on casual nudity and sex, as written by men for a male audience, is exactly what the three of us unemployed losers need right now.
13. Dude’s Landlord
Nobody wants a roommate who constantly begs them to go to his shitty local theater productions. But what if he’s such a pushover that he’ll wait until the 10th of the month to hit you up for your overdue half of the rent? Maybe it’s worth watching his dance quintet perform if it means he’ll front you the cash until your fake kidnapping scheme pays off. At least he has a steady-ish income stream.
12. Coffee Shop Waitress
The property manager told us that if we get one more noise complaint, we’re out. That’s why we need the no-bullshit attitude of an overworked diner employee. When we get into a heated argument, she would be there to keep the peace. Or at least lower the volume. Not many people would be this comfortable telling Walter to stop shouting, but she did it with no hesitation. Situations like this will come up a lot in our house. We could honestly use some structure.
11. Gary the Bartender
Nobody is better at dealing with big personalities than a Bartender. And Gary has seen them all. There’s a guy that throws back a half dozen White Russians every time he bowls, there’s an aging cowboy that never rolls and has strong opinions about sarsaparilla. Hell, one time a bunch of nihilists set a car on fire and threatened someone with a sword in the parking lot. Gary kept his cool through all of it. Our house needs someone like Gary.
10. Tony The Chauffeur
We weren’t seriously considering this guy at first. But we said EVERY character in the title so we decided to at least talk to him. And you know what? He was charming. He told some corny jokes. He made small talk with the rest of the roommates and offered to drive us around for a while until we found our missing car. He even warned us that we, too, were being followed by a private investigator.
9. Private Snoop
Would a private investigator probably look through our stuff when we weren’t home? Probably. Is it possible that he’s only applying to live here in some sort of long-con attempt at researching us for his employer? Maybe. We’re not worried about any of that because this man is terrible at his job. An old blue Volkswagen beetle that won’t even start on the first try? That’s his car of choice for blending in and avoiding suspicion? There was never a moment where he was going to go unnoticed in his sleuthing.
8. Funeral Director
Our house could benefit from a person this experienced in handling tense situations. We need somebody who can handle the amount of yelling that comes with every interaction around here and just calmly go back to his work. And since this guy’s job involves keeping the place spotless so people don’t think about the ghoulish work being performed on their deceased family members in the back, he might decide out of habit to take our trash out before the smell in the kitchen becomes unbearable.
7. The Stranger
We’re not sure if this guy is real or just The Dude’s imaginary friend. But assuming he exists, how cool would it be to have a calming old cowboy narrate your life? You’d get home late from bowling, wasted on White Russians, and here’s Sam Elliott in your kitchen with a Sioux City Sarsaparilla and judgment free life advice spoken in whimsical metaphors. Just try not to use so many cuss words, okay?
6. Corvette Owner
This is the roommate you want if you live in a rough part of town. This unnamed sports car owner is the kind of guy who will run out in his skivvies to defend the neighborhood from misguided vigilantes. He’s not going to stand back and watch while your property is destroyed. He can disarm vandals and dole out his own version of street justice without bothering to put on pants. This, of course, assumes that he can afford rent after the midlife crisis that led him to purchase a red corvette in the first place.
5. Pilar
We don’t know if Pilar is Larry’s mother or Arthur’s nurse and we don’t care. She is the epitome of “that’s not my business.” Two men are at the door to profess their love of some TV show from the ‘60s and threaten a child? Welcome to our home! Please take a seat. Pilar will be in the other room not giving a shit. She’s calm, she’s collected, she’s Pilar.
4. Nihilist Woman
Nothing says loyalty like this woman cutting off her own toe as part of her dumb boyfriend’s kidnapping scam. There was no indication that their plan would work, but she believed in them enough to go along with it. This is the kind of loyalty we need from the person we decide to sublet that empty room to. We can’t have somebody questioning every scheme we concoct. They need to be willing to help.
3. Brandt
Brandt is a loyal yes-man. He would do anything to keep the peace in the house. Your wife wants to plan a fake kidnapping scheme with a German techno-pop group to pay off her debt to a pornographer? That’s not Brandt’s goddamn business, and he’ll stay out of it. You want to go intimidate an unemployed man for money on a random weekday? Brandt is down for it. Brandt is down for anything.
2. Smokey
Smokey is one of the only characters that stands up to Walter’s insanity. He’s not afraid to speak up against a bully. Unless, of course, that bully draws a firearm during league play at the bowling alley. Smokey knows when a fight just isn’t worth it. He knows to stand back, diffuse the situation, and simply file a complaint with the league in the morning. We need this amount of level-headedness in a roommate for reasons we can’t elaborate on at this time.
1. Donny
What a perfect roommate! This is a complete punching bag of a man. Donny has nothing at all to say when Walter tells him to shut the fuck up or goes on long rants about Vietnam. If you drank all of Donny’s beer in the shared fridge, he wouldn’t say a damn thing about it. The world needs more Donnys. And we need a roommate who won’t ask questions when we lie about the rent and charge him way more than his share for the smallest room in the house.
Continue Reading:
1 2