There’s never been a more dangerous time to be a young American. School shootings have been steadily on the rise in this country, and shooters are catching wise to the fact that schools “sit under your desk and wait for the police to not show up” policy doesn’t slow them down the way we thought it would.
Literal bullets aren’t the only bullets kids need to dodge these days. There’s abusive faculty to contend with, rampant crackpot educational reform, dwindling resources for public schools, and of course Florida, where we’re pretty sure an orangutan can become a principal if it can prove it supported Trump.
Fear not boys and ghouls, The Hard Times has a curriculum way more useful than any bullshit mandatory U.S. history and bible studies class that’s going to be rammed down your throat this year. We’ve compiled a list of the top 40 horror movies set at schools that will not only entertain you while you and your friends discover pot, but they’ll also help instill the constant vigilance today’s children all need to survive!
40. Fear Street Part One: 1994 (2021)
Aside from teaching you about the horrors of class disparity, which by 7th grade you should already be well versed in, this movie has nothing to offer. Did R.L. Stine even go to high school? Some of these kids are addicted to drugs. What drugs, you ask? Just drugs, nameless assorted drugs of all different shapes and bright colors that they eat by the handful. The movie doesn’t even have a “Don’t do drugs” message, they’re just there to show you that this is a serious adult movie from the guy who wrote all the “Goosebumps” books. You can skip this lesson.
39. Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986)
We’ve seen this movie a dozen times and still have no idea what the plot is. Don’t smoke radioactive weed? You probably weren’t going to but like, okay, good, DON’T.
38. Dance of the Dead (2008)
The terrible script and cheap production values of an early ’00s Disney-made-for-TV movie lull you into a false sense of security and then BAM, hardcore gore! While its bizarre tonal shift may help kids come to terms with the fact that they are quickly leaving childhood behind and entering the adult world, it ranks low by portraying the weirdo right-wing militant gym teacher as a hero. In real life that dude will not have your back no matter what’s going on.
37. Twilight (2008)
Not really a horror movie, not really a good movie, but at least it drives home an important message. If you’re a high school student, never be afraid to ask a dude “Wait, how old are you?”
36. Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (1992)
Not really a lesson to be learned from this one, or even a plot really, even by David Lynch standards. You wanna be one of the kids who watches it though.
35. I Was a Teenage Zombie (1987)
This movie will prepare high school freshmen for a horror they are sure to face at least once in the next four years: at some point, you are going to be encouraged to do a video project. You and your friends will get all excited, you’ll think you’re all being so funny, and then you get to the editing and realize just how hard it is to make a movie. It will be a disaster, the acting will be cringe, and some of it will be so problematic that you’ll need to scrub every copy if you ever want to run for office, but at the end of the day, it looks like everyone in this movie had fun doing it and so will you, so we rank it low.
34. Happy Death Day (2017)
Two important lessons here, number one: plagiarism works! You can take someone else’s original, fully formed idea, say “Groundhog Day,” do it incredibly worse, and people will say “This is actually kind of smart and good.” Second lesson: School is, for the most part, a seemingly endless repetitive nightmare. Good luck.
33. Teen Wolf” (1985)
If you turn out to be a werewolf, and transforming into said werewolf makes you popular and good at sports, fuck that, just be yourself. That is the lesson of the movie “Teen Wolf,” and it’s not terribly useful to most of you, but there’s gotta be at least one kid out there going through “The change” (into a wolf specifically) that needs to hear it.
32. Cherry Falls (1999)
It’s your typical high school slasher movie with a twist—the killer only targets virgins! Not a whole lot to learn here but we guess it’s sort of good for kids to know that you don’t need genre literacy or more than one idea to make a whole movie.
31. Chronicle (2012)
This high school set found footage horror/superhero mashup teaches a timeless lesson—absolute power corrupts absolutely. Especially if that power is given to some freakin nerd. Look at Elon Musk.
30. Black Christmas (1974)
The phenomenon of people living inside the walls and attics of stranger’s homes has been on the rise in recent years, or at least getting more attention on the internet. If you’re going to secretly live in someone’s house, doesn’t an off-campus dorm make the most sense? Strangers are already in and out of there all the time, keeping weird hours, people coming and going all hours of the night, you probably don’t even need to hide really just act like you know someone and whoever spots you in the kitchen will just shrug. If you’re living with a bunch of students maybe screen this movie and try to pitch some sort of safety rules.
29. Monster Squad (1987)
Extracurricular clubs are a great way to find your tribe, and while the after-school anime club is unlikely to save your small town from Dracula, you’ll watch cool stuff and meet people who may be your friends for years to come. Plus if your shitty town ever is invaded by say a tentacle monster or an evil wizard in a school uniform or whatever, you’ll be the first kids they call.
28. Jennifer’s Body (1999)
This movie is a crash course for two of the biggest obstacles high school students will face, toxic friendships and really contrived dialogue.
27. Ma (2019)
The sooner you learn the cool older person who buys you beer and, hey, even lets you drink it at their house, maybe ISN’T that cool, the better off you will be.
26. Urban Legend (1998)
Any given high school has a ton of local legends. A lot of them are bullshit ghost stories like “Yeah, some kid killed himself in the hall C bathroom and now there’s a ghost in there!” Some of them, however, like “The volleyball coach gets kinda handsy,” you’re going to want to pay attention to.
25. Disturbing Behavior (1998)
A poignant film with a lot of social commentary, but the main takeaway is that no matter what they do to mold you, condition you, and brainwash you into becoming a model American citizen, you’re going to get horny and become a monster and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
24. Once Bitten (1985)
Fellas, if you’re a high school student who’s never gotten laid and some rich smokeshow lady is dead set on taking your virginity, she is at best dangerously unstable and at worst a vampire queen who wants to feast on you to retain her eternal youth. Either way, it won’t end well.
23. Class of 1984 (1982)
You wanna know the scariest thing about high school? Look in the mirror pal! That’s right it’s YOU! You with your GANGS, you with your prostitution drug cartels you run out of the basement at punk clubs, you with your random acts of violence and murder, despite your genius level intellect and piano prodigy skills, you are the FUTURE! WAKE UP CONSERVATIVE AMERICA!!!
22. The Craft (1996)
If you’re about to go into high school and you already read The Hard Times, chances are pretty high you’re going to make some witchy friends, and that’s great. Just be on watch because every witchy clique has one member who wants to take things a little too far. Talking about cursing the math teacher is all well and good but once you see actual blood, even if it is just from a chicken, it’s time to stop hanging out with Tabitha.
21. Scream (1996)
When you’re a high school student, can you ever really trust anyone? As “Scream” will teach you, categorically no. There is danger around every corner, everyone is a suspect, and a ton of people want to take your virginity for reasons that are varying levels of nefarious. At least in movies, there are rules. Good luck kids!
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