29. Timmy Reston “Pieces”
You think my old man would ever do a jigsaw puzzle with me? Hell no.
28. The Miner “My Bloody Valentine”
As the spiritual son of Harry Warden, you know you have a legacy to protect. One day your time will come to take up the mantle of “The Miner,” and you will inherit the mining suit and a pickaxe and stop the Valentine’s Day dance at all costs. The only thing I inherited from my dad was compulsive anxiety and a predisposition for type 2 diabetes. Anyway, I think he’s into shoegaze?
27. Cook “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”
Yes, he’s tough on his boys, but he cooks a mean BBQ sauce and he understands the importance of family mealtime.
26. Vincent Smith “Motel Hell”
If you just ignore the murders, Vincent is always cracking wise, having fun, and dispensing folksy sayings. My Dad gives you a lot less for ignoring a lot more things.
25. Otis “House of 1000 Corpses”
Sure he’s got a pain-in-the-ass older brother vibe and he gets obsessive about his “work,” but when the chips are down he puts murder family first.
24. The Prowler “The Prowler”
He’ll listen to you when you have girl trouble at least. He won’t give you very healthy advice, but he’ll listen.
23. The Driller Killer “The Slumber Party Massacre 2”
My old man made a lot of threats toward me with a lot of power tools and none of them were also a bitchin guitar.
22. Mr. Ulman “House of the Devil”
Personally, I would find Mr. Ulman’s quiet, reserved rage to be refreshing if he were my dad instead of the guy who threw his phone at the wall so many times they wouldn’t let him insure it anymore.
21. Howard “X”
Howard and Pearl never had children, so we don’t really know what kind of father he would make, but if he would be as dedicated to them as he was to his wife there’s literally nothing he wouldn’t do.