30. Quick Kick
There’s no denying the fact that this man’s kicks are fast. I mean, really fast. Go ahead and kick as fast as you can. In the time it took you to do that, this guy could probably do like, two kicks. His quick kicks probably wouldn’t have been enough to stop 9/11 on account of the fact that they’re just kicks, but credit where credit is due I guess.
29. Rock ‘n Roll
As the only Joe whose action figure has a hand permanently locked in the devil-horns position, Rock ‘n Roll would probably top a list of Joes we most want to have a beer with. Unfortunately, he’s a bass player, and we all know what they’re like. Hard to imagine a guy who can only handle four strings preventing the single bloodiest attack on American soil.
28. Low-Light
Growing up, Low-Light was afraid of the dark. Then one day he got lost in the middle of the night on a hunting trip. He was found 3 weeks later with his gun and a huge smile on his face. He is known for his ability to stand still for hours on end and for sneaking up on people. Are we sure he’s not a terrorist?
27. Lifeline
Another pacifist medic character, only this one practices aikido to “direct violent energy away from oneself.” Steven Seagal does aikido too though, so there’s every chance Lifeline is just a psychopath ready to explode at any second. Lifeline may not have been able to stop 9/11 from happening, but he’s a man of deep convictions, and I believe he will discover the truth behind Tower 7.
26. Spirit & Freedom
Spirit is a Native American from New Mexico who serves as the Joe team’s top tracker. He was hired sometime before this was considered a lazy stereotype. He’s also a shaman (obviously) and his best friend is his pet bald eagle Freedom because kids need to know that the U.S. government and Native Americans are super tight with each other. If it were still the ‘80s he would have stopped 9/11 using mystical powers, but by 2001 characters like Spirit needed to be a little more grounded
25. Lift-Ticket
It’s gotta suck when someone with the dumbest name you’ve ever heard saves your life, but apparently, Lift-Ticket is the Joe team’s top helicopter pilot and extractions expert. He turned down going to officer candidate school because he digs his chill whirlybird lifestyle too much, so he probably wouldn’t be up for the leg work involved in saving the World Trade Center.
24. Clutch
He’s a Jersey-born mechanic known for being, get this, very rude. He’s the closest to a “Fast and Furious” guy the Joe team has to offer. Look, no one from Jersey is going to be able to thwart a terrorist plot, I know it, you know it, everyone knows it.
23. Alpine
Alpine is G.I Joe’s mountain man, who has mastered the art of climbing trees while carrying tons of armor and lasers and stuff. If one of Al-Qaeda’s targets had been the top of a large tree, Alpine would have stopped it for sure. Sadly, they opted for The Pentagon instead.
22. Ripcord
Parachute guy. Got it. All set.
21. Gung-Ho
Gung-Ho doesn’t have much going for himself in terms of skills that could have prevented 9/11 from happening aside from moxy. But boy oh boy, does he have moxy. He’s like one of those D&D characters that just gives everyone else a boost. Put him on the right team, who knows?