20. Alderney UFO Sighting
I thought it was absurd when officials dismissed this sighting, witnessed by two air force pilots, as a “sun dog.” Linda thought it was absurd how little time I spent with our son and our dog. Everyone has an opinion these days.
19. The Belgian Sightings
Despite the mountain of evidence in this case including eyewitness reports and well-documented Belgian air force radar anomalies, Linda expected me to remember her birthday every year. It’s June something, whatever, I’m trying to connect the dots here!
18. Cash-Landrum Incident
Driving down a desolate road in Texas, a family happened upon several military helicopters transporting what appeared to be an alien vessel. In the weeks that followed they suffered a variety of ailments including blisters on the skin and hair loss, all of which were eventually found to be radiation poisoning. I made the mistake of commenting on how cool it would be if that happened to our family and spent the following weeks on the couch.
17. The Phoenix Lights
Ah, the good ole fashioned “military training exercise” excuse. It’s the military’s equivalent to Linda’s “I have a headache” every night I wanted to make love.
16. Crop Circles
When Linda brought me to a crop circle for my birthday I thought she had finally come around to accepting my life’s passion. Then, she introduced me to the farmer who made it “just for kicks,” and told me that my belief that they had to be extraterrestrial was provably untrue. I understand my obsession could be hard to handle, but to hire an actor and lie like that is pretty inexcusable.
15. The Bridgewater Triangle
When I referred to this Massachusetts paranormal hotbed as “Possibly the second-most significant triangle in all of ufology” my wife became nearly incapable of having sex with me.
14. The Bonnybridge, Scotland Sightings
Americans have a misconception that we lead the world in UFO sightings, but it’s actually this small town in Scotland that has the most activity. There are an average of 300 sightings in Bonnybridge per year. Unfortunately, Linda was more interested in “the rest of Scotland” for some reason, and the whole vacation was just a disaster.
13. MUFON
The Mutual UFO Network is a non-profit organization made up of volunteers dedicated to the study of reported UFO sightings. The members of my local chapter are like family to me, but according to Linda, I find them much more important than that.
12. The Coyne Helicopter Incident
1973 was a big year for UFO sightings, but none stand out quite as much as The Coyne Helicopter incident. Four men in a helicopter witnessed a strange red light over Charles Mill Lake. Suddenly, the light began to head right for them at a speed faster than they could escape. Just before it seemed the light would hit them it stopped in front of them, revealing a metallic cigar-shaped object with a windowed dome. The object emitted some sort of green tractor beam and pulled the helicopter higher into the sky for around 10 seconds before releasing it and flying back off across the lake. While this story didn’t affect my marriage directly, my attempts to incorporate it into our foreplay dirty talk were disastrous.
11. The Delphos, Kansas Sighting
In 1971 a teenager spotted a UFO in his backyard in the town of Delphos Kansas that left a mysterious ring on the lawn. Soil samples confirmed that the ring possessed unusual properties, and in the years that followed Ronnie claimed to develop psychic powers. The story would make a great movie, which is why I worked on a script for 8 months instead of “providing.”
10. “Tic Tac” UFO Sighting
Sort of the “Top Gun: Maverick” of UFO sightings, not because it was recorded by a Navy pilot but because this one really rejuvenated interest in the field. My excitement when the government was forced to admit that this video was a ligament UFO sighting was met with a look of defeat on Linda’s face so heart-wrenching I should have known it was over then and there.
9. The Kenneth Arnold Sighting
You’ve all heard of Roswell, but real ufologists know that this case was the dawn of the modern UFO era. It was Kenneth Arnold’s sighting of 9 shiny high-speed objects in the sky that first made papers coin the phrase “flying saucer.” It was while researching this case that my wife first coined the phrase “I asked you to clean the gutters four weeks ago, but you have time for this?!”
8. The Lubbock Lights
Project Blue Book disbanded claiming to have found no significant evidence of a UFO that couldn’t be explained by natural phenomenon. Why then did they admit the photographs of lights in a V formation taken by Carl Hart over Lubbock Texas could not be proven to be a hoax? It’s a blatant contradiction on par with Linda’s claim that she still loves me, she just can’t be with me.
7. Levelland, Texas Sighting
Authorities would have you believe that this UFO sighting with multiple eyewitness reports was simply “ball lightning.” In a world where the highest ranks of our government would so lazily try to conceal the truth from us, is it any wonder that I could never be bothered to clean up after myself or maintain acceptable hygiene?
6. The Lakenheath-Bentwaters Incident
This one ranks high because it’s the closest the British government has ever come to admitting that an unexplained UFO was likely present. The investigation committee concluded, “In conclusion, although conventional or natural explanations certainly cannot be ruled out, the probability of such seems low in this case and the probability that at least one genuine UFO was involved appears to be fairly high.” It also ranked high because I told Linda that if she read the report I would read “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” which I never did.
5. Tehran, 1976
The Iranian government was prepared to open fire on this unidentified flying craft, but their planes suffered mysterious equipment failures as they approached it. Sort of like how any time I asked Linda “What’s wrong?” she shot back “Nothing.”
4. Clyde W. Tombaugh Sighting
You want a credible UFO witness? How about the guy who discovered friggin Pluto?! Are we just going to dismiss the reported UFO sighting of a famed astronomer who discovered a damned planet? Well, Linda was quick to remind me that Pluto is no longer a planet because she just has to take the piss out of everything.
3. The Men in Black
A far cry from what the Hollywood movies would have you believe, the real Men in Black are either extraterrestrials themselves or inter-dimensional beings of some kind. Documented encounters with them usually involve high strangeness, and most who have crossed their path describe them as aggressive and threatening. I explained all of this to Linda after we saw “Men in Black 3” and she responded “I’m sorry, the real Men in Black?” and looked at me like I was stupid for the remainder of our relationship.
2. The Betty and Barney Hill Abduction
On September 19th, 1961 a married couple, Betty and Barney Hill, were abducted by a race of aliens believed to be from the Zeta Reticuli system. Their lives were marked by incidents of high strangeness ever since. As an interracial couple in the ‘60s, the Hills were already stigmatized, but after claiming to be the victims of alien abduction they became outright pariahs in their community. Nevertheless, they refused to let this pressure put a strain on their relationship. It’s a constant reminder of the sort of connection Linda and I never had.
1. The Reptilians
One of Linda’s chief complaints about me during our marriage was my “lack of responsibility as a parent.” Apparently trying to expose a race of reptilian interlopers who literally want to eat our children is less important than watching a 7-year-old play soccer, or double-checking if his arm is out of the way when I close the car door.