As anyone without children can tell you, being a childless adult is the absolute pinnacle of human existence. It rules, it’s awesome, it’s the best. If you’re a breeder reading this you probably think otherwise. That’s because you have to, but let’s put that aside for a second. Let me ask you this, how many action figures did you buy for yourself last year? I rest my case.
Yes, childlessness is the only life worth living, yet so many of my peers and contemporaries have opted out. That’s really the only downside, watching all of your friends pair off and get lame while you remain cool as fuck. “Oh, you guys are expecting?! So looking forward to you spending the rest of your lives complaining about a problem you chose to create.”
The hardest casualty to accept has been movie nights. Me and my buddies used to get stoned and have a blast watching the most fucked up horror movies we could find, and there was no surer way for a movie to be ranked certified gold than by brutally murdering a child. It used to be a total laugh riot for everyone! Now I just get an earful about how they “Can’t stomach that stuff anymore” and how “having kids changes your point of view” and “What do you mean you brought mushrooms? We can’t just randomly eat shrooms anymore!” It’s disgusting.
Here are the top horror movies that broke the ultimate taboo and killed off children, ranked by how much your lame-ass breeder friends will resent you for still being able to enjoy them:
40. Piranha 3DD (2010)
I don’t care how many kids you have, that’s just funny.
39. Hocus Pocus (1993)
Every parent I know loves this movie for some reason. I don’t get it. Ya’ll just decided to ignore the fact that one of the main characters is a dead kid in a cat’s body? But Georgie getting eaten by Pennywise is “triggering?” I guess having a kid gives you a super weird method for picking and choosing.
38. Frankenstein (1931)
Here’s another one that gets a pass for some reason. Frankenstein straight-up murders a little girl and tosses her into a river, yet you’ll always find this movie in the “Family Frights” section of streaming services. Maybe it’s so slow and black & white that parents just fall asleep by that point in the movie?
37. A Quiet Place (2018)
The only thing moms love more than children living is John Krasinski. The dude could have done a smug look to camera right as the kid got snatched and the movie would still make $340,000,000.
36. Hereditary (2018)
Oh, it’s a BRUTAL child death, and they HATE it, but they see that A24 logo, and their desperation to still feel “hip” and “with it” just barely wins out.
35. Krampus (2015)
Too much room for interpretation here. “Well, they’re not dead, they’re just in a snow globe!” Yeah, and my grandma isn’t dead, she’s just in a box in the ground.
34. Don’t Look Now (1973)
Breeders can’t handle this one because a child accidentally drowning is “Too real.” What is it about having a baby that makes you forget films need an inciting incident? You can still watch “Bambi,” right? Even though it’s sad when Bambi’s mom gets shot? Well, this is just like that, only in reverse, and then things get worse. Cinema!
33. Kill List (2011)
Lighten up, it’s not like he knew he was stabbing his wife and son. He thought it was a hunchback! This could happen to anybody.
32. Jaws (1975)
Just when you thought it was safe to enjoy a classic movie with your friends now that their newborn is finally sleeping through the night, all of a sudden it’s all “Oh my god I forgot the kid dies in this I can’t watch!” You forgot about the Kintner boy? You forgot?! Wow, tell me you’re going to be shitty parents without telling me you’re going to be shitty parents.
31. Rawhead Rex (1986)
“I just can’t see that and not think ‘What if that were my kid,” she said. “If that happens to your kid I hope the monster has better makeup” I replied. Then she kicked me out of her house.
30. Alligator (1980)
You can’t have a blatant “Jaws” ripoff without a kid being eaten, just as sure as I can’t call my buddy Stew’s wife a drama queen or “bring weird movies over anymore.”
29. Antichrist (2009)
Oh, you won’t watch this but you’ll still call Eric Clapton “The greatest guitarist of all time?” Hypocrite.
28. The Children (2008)
All kidding aside I know you love your children more than anything in this world, but if the shit goes down and they turn on you, I pray you’ll have the wherewithal to do the right thing.
27. Clown (2014)
I can’t believe my non-childless adult friends were so triggered by this movie, it’s completely unrealistic! Look at how much blood pours down the tunnel slide after the clown eats into that kid’s brain. There wouldn’t really be that much blood, it’s a kid!
26. Cooties (2014)
The “We love anything with John Krasinski” rule doesn’t apply here, even though this movie has two other actors from “The Office” and fucking Kenneth from “30 Rock.” Give me all the “You don’t understand, you don’t have kids” you want, I remember when they were home-schooled in the pandemic and you prayed for death.
25. Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Is the remake better than the original? Of course not, but it’s a fine zombie movie in its own right and it does have one-up on its predecessor—a zombie newborn! And my formerly cool but now child-rearing friends actually yelled “No!” when the lady shot that damned thing. It’s sad, but I think if their kid ever became a zombie they wouldn’t have what it takes to do what needs to be done.
24. Dinocroc (2004)
If we live in a world where we can’t all laugh at something as stupid as a kid’s head flying into the air after he’s eaten by a “Dinocroc,” what’s the point of continuing the species?
23. Aliens vs Predator: Requiem (2007)
It’s kind of insane that a movie this bad had the balls to not only break the child death taboo but then double down with a Xenomorph/Predator hybrid loose in a hospital baby ward. You have to laugh at that sort of audacity, which is what made my sister’s reaction, leaving the room to cry and check to make sure her sleeping baby was safe (spoiler, he WAS, duh,) completely unreasonable.
22. The Exorcist: Believer (2023)
This sequel took a beating from critics and my lame-ass friends with kids alike, but I think it deserves some credit. Any old horror movie can kill a kid, but it takes moxie to show-not-just-tell that the dead kid is in hell, forever, all because her dad who loved her and wanted to protect her made the wrong decision. As people who decided to have a kid when we are clearly in the end times, I really thought my friends would respect such a bold choice.
21. Planet Terror (2007)
There’s a lot to not like about this movie, but the kid accidentally shooting himself is an important statement on gun safety and frankly, my parental friends should be thanking me for bringing it to their attention.
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