15. “The Girl With All the Gifts” (2016)
Sure there’s a lot about this world that’s horrifying, but even zombie children get an education! This world went through a full-blown killer mushroom zombie apocalypse, and they’re already doing better than our universe’s Florida.
14. “Day of the Dead” (1985)
In the world of Day of the Dead it took a Zombie apocalypse, long-term confinement in an underground bunker, and the death of several chains of command for the military to devolve into what real modern-day cops basically are.
13. “Zombi 2” (1979)
Given how quickly the zombie plague spreads through all of New York at the end of this movie you can bet their carbon footprint is way smaller than ours by now. No global warming!
12. “Night of the Creeps” (1986)
There are a lot of “creeps” in the real world today and there’s no wisecracking Tom Atkins to keep them all in line with a shotgun.
11. “One Cut of the Dead” (2017)
Imagine if Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, and the entire Supreme Court revealed that all the horrible shit they’ve done has all been an elaborate hoax for a live television horror special!
10. “Cemetery Man” (1994)
This guy has the ultimate dream job, living in a cool spooky cemetery house rent-free and shooting the corpses that wake up. I don’t even know what my job is. I think we sell deforested South American land to chemical companies? I just work in the mail room.
9. “Re-Animator” (1985)
Okay sure, doctor Herbert West’s re-agent isn’t the most practical medical care, but it IS medical care. At least poor dying people in “Re-Animator” have options!
8. “Evil Dead 2” (1987)
Wouldn’t it be great if everything trying to kill you had a slapstick sense of humor? Like if the high fructose corn syrup just jumped out of your energy drink and did a little song and dance about how fun it is to give you diabetes?
7. “Night of the Comet” (1984)
In this world everyone who looked at a comet got turned into a zombie, but if you were busy having sex you were safe. In our world, we have smartphones and social media, and try as you might to resist their siren call, it’s only a matter of time before they turn you into a bloodthirsty idiot.
6. “Zombieland” (2009)
The makeshift family this group forms after the end of the world shares a closer, warmer bond than I have with anyone I’m actually related to, and they go to more theme parks!
5. “The Dead Next Door” (1989)
You know how when you were young you and your friends would just run around playing like army guys or whatever? In this movie, that’s all life is! Real world militias are way less fun than the zombie squad.
4. “Demons” (1985)
If I’m going to die in an apocalypse, I would at least want it to be the end of a world where people still appreciate cinema. The way things are going now the bombs are probably just going to drop while I’m begrudgingly taking in some Marvel bullshit.
3. “Wild Zero” (2000)
Imagine if you could just blow a magic whistle and all of a sudden the garage rock band Guitar Wolf just shows up and takes out the Supreme Court for you.
2. “Shivers” (1975)
Horny zombies. Why not? I wake up every morning praying that this is the day when people en masse embrace the futility of continuing society and just decide to have one last big carnal orgy.
1. “Return of the Living Dead” (1985)
Basically everyone just becomes punks who can’t die. The dream.
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