Holy hell! What the fuck is that thing? I have never seen a bug like that in my life and there is a near zero chance that that thing is not a maneater. Of course a fucking kaiju shows up when I’m at my most exposed, and I’ll likely never even know what it really is. But at the very least I can make some decent guesses based on Godzilla movies. Okay, here we go.
25. Mothra
This thing is definitely not a moth. Moths are just bothersome little fuckers who like porch lights. This thing looks like it came straight outta the depths of hell for the sole purpose of ripping off my genitals and laughing as they wash down the drain.
24. Battra
Battra is basically just a scalier version of Mothra. So still no resemblance to this horror I’m currently shielding my vulnerable parts from, which as a reminder, has a prime directive of watching me bleed out due to severed genitals.
23. Jet Jaguar
What the hell is this colorful ass robot thing anyway? It looks like it’s made out of Play-Doh. It’s not a monster, it’s not a bug. It’s useless to me. I’d welcome this thing in my tub.
22. Mecha-King-Ghidorah
Though admittedly this weird bug certainly does look like a mash-up of like four different things that shouldn’t be together, the Mecha-King-Ghidorah monstrosity just ain’t the right combination. Also, I’m pretty sure this bug is looking at my butt now, if it tried to crawl inside me I’m a dead man.
21. Rodan
Nope. Too simple. Rodan is just a fucked up pterodactyl, and this bug looks like it only lives off of radiation and hatred.
20. M.O.G.U.E.R.A
This one does actually have some of the features of the bug, albeit mechanically. But just out of principle I’m putting all the robot monsters pretty low on this list. Robots and bugs just don’t mix, plus everyone knows robots hate water.
19. Hedorah
Though a toxic sludge kaiju is definitely the same energy that this bug is giving off, there are no physical similarities. At least I can give both of them credit for being incredibly ugly fucks. I wonder if I can drown this thing with my wife’s hair conditioner, but she might yell at me for “wasting” it again.
18. Mechagodzilla
Alright, I think this is the last robot. Once again, robots aren’t bugs. Don’t try to confuse me, I need all of my focus on this abomination that I’m trapped in a confined, wet space with.
17. Godzillasaurus
I guess this one kind of looks like the bug. Not as close of a match as Godzilla classic, but not a total departure from that frightening-looking animal currently blocking the shower door. If I just don’t make any sudden moves maybe it will lose interest.
16. Kumonga
Oh how simple it would all be if this thing were just a giant spider. If it were Kumonga that decided to show up while I was soaping my armpits I might not have given it a second thought compared to whatever devil this thing really is.
15. Gabara
Now that we’re getting into the “middle of the road” monsters on this list a lot of these are starting to blend together. Also, I just made eye contact with the bug and I think it stole a piece of my soul. From now on I plan on drafting a will before each shower.
14. Minilla
Minilla is actually kind of cute in a malformed Cabbage Patch Kid sort of way. I wish I could have placed him lower on this list but there were just too many damn robots that had to take up those slots.
13. King Caesar
There aren’t enough insectoid qualities to really make a strong case that King Caesar looks like the bug. But the unrestrained violence in this monster’s eyes still earns him enough of a comparison for this spot.
12. Godzilla
Godzilla classic is a pretty baseline comparison for whatever this horrible horrible thing is. I wonder if I can use a loofah as a weapon, or if my wife will be mad if I ruined her loofah fighting a kaiju.
11. Kamacuras
Closer. Kamacuras definitely nails down the insect part of the equation. But looking at this thing, probably a little too intently, I can’t help but think there’s something more than that to it. Pazuzu maybe?
10. Manda
Oh God, it moved closer! The fucking bug moved closer to me! What do I do?! For the love of fuck what do I do?!
9. Destoroyah
Destoroyah is actually pretty close. Plus a monster born out of Godzilla’s violent past is a surefire relative for this demon. Also, I’m starting to run out of hot water and I’ve thrown every shampoo bottle I can find at the thing.
8. Biolante
Well this is really starting to get really scary for me here. This monster is truly a hybrid of all things horrifying. Biolante may not be a spot on doppelganger, but if it comes at me with those acid claws I might poop in here a little bit.
7. Megaguirus
The old Godzilla movies really reused a lot of the same monster models. Similarly, I’m currently reusing this dull safety razor as a makeshift shiv in case this weird bug decides to try anything funny. I can tell it’s thinking about it.
6. Ebirah
I mean, what are lobsters besides sea bugs anyway? And Ebirah is basically just a big lobster who was mutated by radioactive wastewater. So yeah, there’s a fair comparison here.
5. Gigan
Gigan is pretty close in form, but nowhere near as ferocious in appearance. Still, if I imagine the bug as more Gigan-like it makes it a little easier for me to try to sprint past it and the hell out of this entire house. I may actually have to just straight up move.
4. Monster X
Okay, now that I see this thing and Monster X side by side I totally believe this is actually an alien. I would explain how it got in here without me realizing it. It just beamed in like some kind of xenomorph jerkwad to trap me in a case of my own juices.
3. Orga
Man, we are really getting close here. As much as I don’t like the idea of Orga watching me apply my prescription scalp oil, I guess there is some solace in at least knowing what it might be that finally decides to devour me.
2. Baragon
It moved again! Oh fuck, it’s going in for the kill!
1. Megalon
Yep, that’s it. The drill hands, the death wings, that fucking hammer sticking out of its forehead. How the hell did a Megalon get into my shower? At least now I know what I’m up against and maybe can get out of here. How did Godzilla beat Megalon in the movie? I hope it involves squirting Tresemme Volumizer at it and running like hell because that’s kinda my only option at this point.