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10 Ways to Make Your 1 Pair of Work Pants Seem Like 5 Different Pants

If you’ve got a job that you go to at least five days a week and have a different pair of pants for each day, hey, good for you. Did you major in superiority at Europe University? This list isn’t for you. But if you have a job and only one pair of pants? Welcome to this list, friend. Here are some ways for all you mono-pantsed iconoclasts to avoid getting hassled on the job:


The easiest way to fool your boss and coworkers into thinking you have at least 5 pairs of pants is to style your one pair differently each day. Try different belts, roll them into clam diggers, or wear them inside out claiming they’re the work of an avant-garde designer in Paris who is “deconstructing the idea of pants.” It’s important to make everyone at your workplace start questioning all they thought they knew about pants as soon as possible.

The Switcheroo

This method requires a little elbow grease but it’s worth it to not have to go to TJ Maxx and spend $21 on new pants. Go to your office before anyone else gets there and switch the overhead fluorescent lights with blacklights. The pro is that your pants will look different, the con is that the blacklight will reveal their many and varied historical stains. But that’s okay, because all we’re concerned about here is throwing everyone off the scent of those old pants.


You won’t have to change anything about your pants if you can effectively keep people from looking at them in the first place. The most effective distraction method is to wear a t-shirt with a slogan that’s extremely offensive, sad, or baffling. Maybe now when your coworkers go silent as soon as you enter the room, strenuously avoiding eye contact and/or suppressing laughter, it’ll be because of your “When In Doubt, Whip it Out” shirt and not your pants. Hey, you’ll take it!


After you’ve exhausted all your basic styling options, it’s time to get a little more intense. Grab a bunch of Post-Its from the supply closet and completely cover your pants. Be sure to avoid sitting down, using the bathroom, or standing near an even gently blowing fan on the days you rock this look.


At some point you’ll be confronted about your alarming Post-It burn rate, and that’s when you pivot to this alteration method. Cut an inch off your pants each day and save the cut off bits. When they’re as short as you’re willing to go, start sewing the pieces back on until they are full length pants again. Repeat the process again and again until either the pants or your nervous system completely break down.

Sense Manipulation
Speaking of the scent of the pants, smell is the sense most tied to memory, and your unwashed trousers send strong olfactory signals that help your coworkers recognize them on a subconscious level. Truly masking the natural pants smell is too big a job for Febreze, though. You’ll have to start gathering anal gland secretions from any of the Mustelid family of mammals (weasels, minks, badgers, etc.) during their mating season. Their musk will hopefully cause pants-confusion, and as a bonus you might end up attracting a couple of your more feral coworkers.

We’re running out of easy fixes here, so today will involve hypnotizing coworkers so they won’t recognize the pants. Embed a hypnosis gif into an invitation to come to the breakroom for free bagels. When your coworkers arrive in the kitchen they will be in a susceptible hypnotic state and you’ll tell them that these pants are not the pants they’ve seen before.

Time Travel

The hypnotism had unintended consequences and now your coworkers don’t recognize any pants. They’ve started to come to work pantsless. Since you’re the only pants-wearer left in the office, you’ve been given a promotion. At first it seemed like good news, but then the boss said that you’ll have to start dressing more formally. When you asked what she meant by that she said, “wearing a different pair of pants every day.” So now you have to go back in time to undo your damage.


I know what you’re thinking. You don’t want to gaslight anyone because you’re a “good person” who “doesn’t do things like that.” But it’s not really your call anymore is it? The pants are in control now. Here’s what the pants are going to need you to do: ask your coworkers if they like your new pants. If they say they look just like your old pants, reply with “What old pants?” Then, crucially,  “Are you okay? I’m worried about you.”

Become a God

Welp, the time travel messed things up pretty bad. You got greedy and went back to the dawn of pants to try to influence the pants future in your favor. Long story short, there have now been countless devastating Pants Wars all over the world. At this point your only option is to become omnipotent. You’ll use your power to restore pants peace, eradicate pants suffering, and make judging work pants the most serious moral crime in the universe. Amen!