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We Interview the Man Who Provides the Single Drop of Human Blood in Every Impossible Burger

The impossible burger is changing the game for vegetarians and vegans. The scientifically crafted meat substitute is close to the real thing it even fools some lifelong carnivores. Now, with restaurants like Red Robin, Dave & Busters and even Burger King carrying the soy based patty meat eaters everywhere are beginning to reconsider the notion of a meat free diet.

None of this would be possible without Jason Messer, the man who provides the single drop of human blood that makes every single impossible patty taste like the real thing. We sat down with Messer to talk about the impact his work is having on the world.

HS: Jason thanks for taking the time to sit down and talk with us. You’re a hard man to get a hold of!

M: It’s true. As the man who donates the human blood that goes into each and every mouth watering impossible patty, I spend a lot of my time in a black, dreamless recovery sleep.

HS: You mean a coma?

M: I signed a thing that said I wouldn’t call it that.

HS: Exactly how much blood are you providing?

M: Until recently it’s been a steady pint per month. For the last two months, that’s been upped to one gallon.

HS: Woah! That’s a lot of the ol’ red stuff!

M: Yes it’s twice the lethal amount to give in a single session so we are being very careful with spacing them out.

HS: With demand for the impossible patty growing, do you worry that the need for your blood will out weigh the supply?

M: That’s a concern, for sure. I do what I can to replenish my blood as quickly as possible. Obviously I need a lot of b-12, so I eat almost exclusively red meat. I think it’s what makes my blood taste so meaty!

HS: You… aren’t a vegetarian?

M: Oh Christ no! I don’t know how those people do it!

HS: So you subsist almost exclusively on steaks and hamburgers?

M: Oh, I wish! I have a rare condition that causes me to become violently ill from traditional beef. Veal is the only thing I can seem to keep down so I stick to that.

HS: You eat just veal?

M: Pretty much. I think it has something to do with the younger calf not producing certain antibodies yet or something? I don’t know I’m not a scientist. If I was, I probably wouldn’t donate blood for a living!

HS: Well, I’m sure some people will find that upsetting, but let’s focus on the positive impact your work has on the environment. Does it please you to know that less meat consumption will be good for the earth in the long run?

M: Absolutely not. As a Libretarian Satanist I favor balance over progress. In my free time I do everything I can to increase my carbon footprint in an effort to undo any positive change my work will have on the earth. My Truck is running in the parking lot right now. The entire time I’m donating blood I’m also spraying aerosol cans. Little things like that.

HS: It seems like your personal values don’t really line up with the target demographic for Impossible Burger.

M: Fuck em. I’m not here to advocate some bullshit liberal agenda. I’m here to collect a paycheck and worship Satan. Trump 2020 baby.

HS: OK well I’ve had about as much of this as I can take, any closing words you’d like to leave off on?

M:
Hitler had a lot of good ideas.

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