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People Are Boycotting This Classic Christmas Carol After I Changed Some of the Lyrics

First they they came for ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside,’ and I said nothing. Then they came for ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ and I said nothing until I got a therapist. But now everyone, particularly my local Homeowners’ Association, is up in arms about the political correctness of the beloved classic ‘Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree,’ after I changed some of the lyrics.

I went to sing my rendition of the 1958 classic at every house in my neighborhood and had door after door slammed in my face by politically correct Noel Nazi’s. Sure it’s fine when my elderly neighbors sing Jingle Bells off key and out of time, but when I add a little spice by singing, “Cock ring around my Christmas peen…” everybody freaks out!

This will not be tolerated. Not under my mistletoe.

Suddenly a song from that was made famous (by a WOMAN mind you) is no longer appropriate for the #metoo generation even after I put my own pro-woman spin on it. “My dick hung where you can see, every girl tries to slop,” is every bit a pro woman anthem as ‘God is a Woman’ and I dare any broad to disagree with me on that.

I’ve never been very vocal about PC culture run amuck in America. Sure I’ve posted about it online, sent threatening emails to everyone at CNN, and sent countless dick pics to the entire Reductress editorial staff, but I’ve kept my mouth shut. But when I sang, “Later we’ll fuck some poontang pie and we’ll do some girl named Carol,” in front of the Howard family’s house, they called the police. Not the PC police, the real police.

The worst part is that I just finished rewriting ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You,’ from the point-of-view of a guy in the friend-zone. I spent hours figuring out how to rhyme Mistletoe with ‘you’re a frigid bitch who belongs in the kitchen’ and now NO ONE will hear it. Your loss, world.

I’ll tell you one thing, if they didn’t like this song, then they really won’t like, ‘The Proud Boys Are Comin’ To Town.’

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