Listen up! As a white man, I can stay silent no longer. Whatever the most oppressed person in any given room thinks, I am here to voice that opinion. And you people are here to listen to a white man speaking whatever words I can salvage from whichever person seems most disadvantaged in my general vicinity!
Direct your questions toward me, is what I’m saying. Don’t worry, marginalized folks. I’ll take care of everything.
What do I think about the tax code? Well, I’m going to shoot that question right over to one of those two Latinx folks in the corner because they’re looking like my best bet right now. If they disagree, I’ll need to weigh their respective sexual orientations and socioeconomic statuses. I have a questionnaire ready. It only takes 20 minutes.
I’m trying to help them. It’s the least they could do and it would be my white duty to- no, it would be my white privilege to assist.
I like to think of myself as a megaphone, really. A megaphone that chooses who to amplify based on my own cursory evaluation of their appearance. It’s a hard job but somebody has to do it and that somebody is me. We all have burdens to carry. I’m a savior of sorts.
All over the world there are downtrodden people just waiting for me to repeat their opinions.
There are gray areas, of course. Sometimes I’m trying to extract an opinion from someone but I don’t have my questionnaire ready so I have to think on the fly. Just last week I wanted to talk about Crazy Rich Asians with an Asian girl at the bar so I asked her what country she was from. She got upset and walked away. It’s amazing how unhelpful those people can be.
I mean, what if I had agreed with that girl about liking the movie only to learn that she was half-white? Somewhere else in the bar there could have been a less privileged person who hates that movie and they would have had to suffer alone, without me to tell them that they’re correct. Nobody deserves that, provided they meet the proper criteria.
It’s like I always say- all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good straight white men like me don’t get involved. You’re welcome.