Prick up your Commie ears, Libtards! Because I’m only going to say this once. I REFUSE to apologize for being white. And yes, I am brave for saying that.
I don’t care how many times I imagine you asking me to do it. Being white is the last thing I should apologize for, because I have done way worse things than be white:
I Was Rude to My Stepdad
Without a doubt this is the worst thing I have ever done.
One day I’m in the parlor trying to get the family’s Pachinko machine buzzing again, when my stepdad Rory bursts in with a song and dance about dishing out spearmint ice milk. I promptly tell him to “put an egg in his shoe and beat it.”
The look on his face still haunts me.
I Convinced Vince McMahon to Start Up the XFL (Twice)
As the original Doink the Clown, I had unfettered access to and influence over WWE owner Vince McMahon. And like a little clown devil on his shoulder, I convinced him to dump $100 Million (in 1999 bucks, no less!) into the unmitigated failure that was the XFL. And apparently I can’t keep my clown wrasslin’ mouth shut, because I just convinced Vince to start up the league again in 2020.
Related:
Uh, Yeah: Five Things All White Women Besides Me Need to Stop Doing, Thanks
I ate the Lindbergh Baby
One day I’m feeling peckish, I confuse the words Lindbergh and Limburger, and whoopsy daisy I ate a human baby. I thought it was one of those baby-shaped cheese loafs that was all the rage in the 1930s!
Sadly, it wasn’t until I dipped the whole baby in my mouth and then pulled out it’s little skeleton like a cartoon cat with a fish that I realized I goofed majorly.
I Invented Crystal Clear Pepsi & Pepsi Kona
Remember Pepsi Points? Borderline diabetics traded soda barcodes for Pesi swag. But here’s a little secret – if you kept sending in points for years on end, eventually you could choose from some top tier prizes like slapping five with Pepsiman, becoming King Shit of a bottling plant, or inventing your own Pepsi flavor. 13 million Pepsi Points later and I awake from a fever dream screaming “Crystal Clear! Crystal Clear!”
I also did the coffee one.
I Was the Basis for “Fat Bastard” from the Austin Powers Films
Let’s get shaggy! Remember that baby I murdered? Well Mike Myers and Jay Roach are callous monsters and they found this story hilarious. So these two titans of industry decide to base some fat asshole on me for their spy movie. You may recall this classic Fat Bastard line from Austin Powers: The Spy Whose Shaggy: “Get in my belly, Donkey!.”
Yes, I am now sorry for being white.