Kids and their lingo these days, am I right? Just as soon as I start to understand the LOLs and Tweets, they are speaking a whole new language. But I’m finally catching up! The other day my daughter said that her boyfriend was ghosting and I was all like, “I totally understand, sweetheart. The anonymous drifter I struck with my rental Audi when I was at a conference in San Francisco has been ghosting me like you wouldn’t believe.”
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to find him ghosting me at the foot of my bed, just watching me sleep. Other times he sits in the guest chair in my office with his semi-opaque skull dripping blood all over the carpet. The worst is when he watches me eat and moans, “Do the right thing,” over and over again when I’m just trying to enjoy some Cinnamon Toast Crunch. You kids are right, getting ghosted is awful.
The worst part about getting ghosted, at least for me, is the constant nightmares where I am forced to relive that night over and over again, watching his head crack like an egg on my windshield and then I drive away in a panic leaving him to die on the side of the road, only to turn a moment later and see his bloody corpse in my passenger seat groaning, “You did this to me!” Every night it’s the same dream. Why it’s enough to make a man swear off sleep all together and take up amphetamine addiction, which I have!
Lately he has been leaving bloody messages for me on the bathroom mirror, clawing at my face and shrieking, or jamming his cold misty hand into my chest and squeezing my heart.
Being a teenager is tough enough, but having the looming spectre of a person you killed and went to great lengths to cover up constantly hovering around you until your soul is nothing more than a piece of charred coal sounds like a lot to take on.
So, sweetie, I know it is “totes unkewl” to listen to your old man. But if you want your boyfriend to stop ghosting you, don’t do what I did. I suggest you be woke about it and blackmail your best friend into taking the rap for his death.
Article by Dan Kozuh @k0zuh
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