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Bernie Sanders Would Have Won Last Night’s ‘Chopped’ Episode

Hate to say I told you so.

I’m writing this the morning after. No, I haven’t slept. Yes, my stomach is still turning, and not just from the sight of Genevieve’s pitiful excuse for Pork Blood Ice Cream. What I’m feeling is a sense of anger and frustration. Tempered only by the fact that I know, as any sane person would, that what I’m about to say is true: Bernie Sanders would have won last night’s Chopped episode.

Sorry, not sorry. It was glaringly apparent from the beginning. Don’t tell me that when the appetizer ingredients were revealed, it wouldn’t have been a slam dunk for Bernie. You mean to tell me the Vermont Senator wouldn’t kill it with Apple Cider and Snow Crab Claws? Please.

But the Food Network, in all it’s infinite wisdom, had their winner picked. Genevieve Sobczak, head chef at Golden Vista, Phoenix’s hip Spanish/Mandarin Fusion Gastropub. You couldn’t find a more flawed contestant.

“But she works so hard! She sacrificed her marriage to make her restaurant work! She’s an inspiration!”

Spare me.

We knew chefs Mishka Rocha and Ricardo Shubaly weren’t worth their weight in burnt balsamic vinaigrette. I guarantee you anyone who DVR’d the episode fast-forwarded right past those two footnotes in cable cooking show history.

So that left him. Eric Rice. The brash, vulgar head chef of Chicago’s steakhouse/monstrosity, American Knife. But a guy like him could never win. Right?

Wrong, apparently.

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The Chopped judges panel, a system that was put in place to ensure people like Eric don’t win on shows like Chopped, responded to Eric’s dishes in a way that left the network and half of viewers shocked. Not me, though. I knew from the minute judge Marc Murphy called Eric’s Poblano-Cilantro Steamed Mussels “inspired” that it was done.

Now here we are.

And please, keep your tweets and think pieces to yourself. No, we don’t have to be “nice” to Genevieve and her disciples while they “mourn” their fallen Queen. Did it ever occur to you that this need to be “nice” is what cost us this Chopped episode?

So no, I’m not letting it go. I’m not staying silent. I was right. You were wrong. And I look forward to sticking my finger right in your face and telling you that.

I don’t care if you think I’m a “Bernie Bro.”  I don’t care if Senator Sanders has no “culinary experience” or “reason to even be on that show.” I don’t care if I’m “ruining” your dinner party that I wasn’t even “invited” to and I’m not “making sense” and I “really need to leave.”

I told you so.