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101 Evasive Maneuvers For When The Mariachi Band Is Headed Your Way

You’re sitting at a Mexican restaurant with some friends trying to enjoy a veggie fajita when out of the corner of your eye you spot a patterned vest. At first you think it’s a waiter or some shit, but those doilies glinting under the lights tell a much different story. Out of nowhere comes an accordion, a violinist, and seven guitarists with brilliantly patterned vests and they swarm a family, breaking into a song loud enough to conjure the spirit of Vicente Fernandez.

In this moment all you can think is “Fuck, they’re coming for me next.” Your mind is plagued by feelings of helplessness, shock, dread, and even life-threatening fear. “am I supposed to eat with a Mariachi remix of ‘Back in Black’ blasting in my ear?” you wonder. Fear not. Here is a list of 101 proven techniques to get you out of danger and into your flauta.

  1. Make yourself appear larger than you are. Remember, Mariachi bands are more afraid of you than you are of them
  2. Date the lead singer of the mariachi band and, carefully increasing your influence and clout within the group over a period of many years, slowly destroy them from within.
  3. Filibuster their performance by reading aloud the entire 45 page menu
  4. Ask If They Know Anything Off “OK Computer”
  5. Convince them that you are the mariachi band and they are the patrons and they have always been here and it has always been this way
  6. Suicide by cop
  7. Start a rival mariachi band
  8. Try to open up a pit
  9. Wear a Mariachi El Bronx t-shirt
  10. Say “I have a boyfriend”
  11. Spray yourself with the urine of a Peruvian flute band
  12. Go back in time and kill Hitler causing a ripple effect preventing your own birth
  13. Envelope within the people around you like a Russian doll
  14. Start a hostage situation
  15. Take advantage of the little known rule that their Mariachi band can’t play for you if you bring your own Mariachi band with you to the restaurant
  16. Question their scene cred
  17. Pretend to be part of the mariachi band until they pass
  18. Order the pulled pork burrito with guacamole, substitute pinto beans for black, no mariachi band
  19. Have a convenient heart failure
  20. Stand you’re ground: Make direct eye contact with the band and sing Annie Lennox songs, getting louder as they approach
  21. Quickly gentrify the the neighborhood
  22. Join the baseball furies and quickly establish your table as their turf
  23. Bring large pieces of fruit to comically stuff into their instruments
  24. Request to eat the remainder of your meal in the bathroom
  25. It doesn’t matter because you’re already passed out drunk after your 3rd jumbo Corona margarita
  26. Put on your MAGA hat. (Mariachis Are Going Away)
  27. Build a quick wall between you and the band
  28. Cry
  29. Choke on something, anything
  30. Politely request that they move along
  31. Do a quick “I’ll Have What She’s Having”
  32. Sprinkle a circle of sand around your table
  33. Get off the train 4 stops early
  34. Grab the guitar case full of guns
  35. Give them the ole’ Alabama Funny Fuck
  36. hi’ three times fast and they walk away backward
  37. Pull your plane’s yoke back so hard that you do backflip, and now you’re behind them and can fire at will
  38. Order the mucho grande margarita, crawl inside the glass and hide
  39. Sign them to your label and exploit them
  40. Get them to avoid you by being way too into Deadpool
  41. Call them nerds
  42. Offer to read their palms
  43. Draw a door. Knock three times
  44. Ask them about their influences
  45. Boldly shout “Kimota!” Transforming yourself into Miracle-man and then fly away
  46. Demand the band “cease all motor function” and then loose your shit when it doesn’t work
  47. Travel with an emergency polka band
  48. Bear spray
  49. Run away in a zig zag pattern
  50. Paint a mural of a tunnel on a wall and run through it to safety
  51. Request Despacito
  52. Announce to everyone that you’re “Pickle Rick”
  53. Be Mitch McConnell and get booed out of the restaurant before they arrive
  54. Start an All Lives Matter chant
  55. Assassinate the president
  56. Smoke bomb, crazy move
  57. Sell them your fire mixtape
  58. Make eye contact and start punching yourself in the face
  59. Warp Whistle to the next level
  60. Trick them into saying their names backward so they’ll be banished back to the Mariachi dimension
  61. Try to convince their horn players to join your ska band
  62. Don’t move. They can’t see you if you don’t move
  63. Start doing a John Edwards style medium act
  64. Convince them there is a fine case of amontillado in the wine cellar, then seal them inside
  65. Ask if they have a moment to talk about Climate Change
  66. Try to escape to the light house, but find that they’re mirroring your every move. Exploit their behavior to place a phosphorus grenade in their hands, and activate it before fleeing
  67. Austin Powers Quotes, Baby!
  68. Dip into the noise show. The music is probably worse but its still an option
  69. Ask them what happened to Tower 7
  70. Challenge them to a kissing contest, no pants
  71. Use the stress of the situation to finally trigger your latent mutant abilities
  72. Strategically ask Louis CK to drop in and do a set
  73. Cleverly disguise yourself as a plate of fajitas
  74. Mime
  75. You’ve had a lethal peanut allergy you’re whole life, cash in
  76. Politely sit through the performance of a mariachi band
  77. Use Dianetics
  78. Offer to work their merch table
  79. Go to the bathroom
  80. Slam poetry
  81. Laugh maniacally as if the mariachi band playing at your table is all part of your evil scheme
  82. Show them your prison style knuckle tattoos: “Hate” on one hand, “Mariachi” on the other
  83. Say “check please” for comedic effect but then realize that’s an actual option in this situation
  84. Implore them to pray the mariachi away
  85. Flash your wallet, claim to be the mariachi inspector, hastily write a list of citations on a napkin
  86. Complain about the lack of diversity in the band
  87. Didgeridoo
  88. Force them into a horrible improv scene
  89. Pull out an even bigger acoustic bass guitar
  90. Unveil your larger, louder mariachi band. They will have no choice but to submit to you as the alpha
  91. Walk 50ft over to the Pizza Hut side of the restaurant
  92. Carve ‘Slayer’ into your arm
  93. Try to sell them on a collaboration project
  94. Tell them they sound good, kinda like Green Day
  95. Good ole’ barrel roll
  96. Expose an offensive tweet the band wrote in 2009
  97. Hold a flashlight up to your face and tell the tale of the mariachi band that was killed 30 years ago this very night
  98. Invite them to dine with you
  99. Make yourself big and loud OR play dead, it depends on the type of mariachis band pursuing you
  100. Demand proof that the band has been ethically sourced
  101. Just give in and dance, dance!

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