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Diabetic Who Can’t Afford Insulin Feels Kind of Like Jason Statham From ‘Crank’

LOS ANGELES — After finding out he can’t afford next month’s supply of insulin, local indie cartoonist Thomas Makhoul reported feeling like Jason Statham’s character in the 2006 action film Crank.

“When the CVS pharmacist told me my debit card had been declined, I started to freak out a little. Then I realized that this makes me Jason Statham’s character from Crank, and he’s a total badass,” said the recently furloughed paralegal. “He plays this English hitman named Chev who gets injected with a poison that inhibits his adrenaline production, so he needs to keep his adrenaline levels high or he’ll die. That’s exactly my situation but with insulin.”

After being denied the essential drug he needs to survive, Makhoul sprinted straight back to his apartment, where he reportedly noticed even more “totally rad” similarities between his situation and Crank, a violent film centered on human brutality and rage.

“I tore through my bedroom and the living room, flipping over couch cushions and going through all my pockets looking for extra cash, kind of like how Jason Statham is just tearing through L.A., doing and looking for anything that’ll keep him alive for a little longer,” he said. “I always worried about not being able to afford my insulin anymore, but I never would have thought it’d turn my life into a high-octane, red-blooded thriller. It’s kind of sweet.”

Those close to Makhoul reported some initial skepticism about the comparison.

 

“It kind of just seemed like Tom was using humor to deal with a pretty shitty situation. I mean, c’mon, comparing himself to a character like Chev is kind of nuts. We’re talking about a guy picking fights with cops, jumping out of helicopters, and having public sex with his girlfriend, just doing all sorts of desperate stuff to keep his adrenaline pumping,” said Luc Berrigan, Makhoul’s roommate. “Though, to be fair, I did see that same primal desperation and survival instinct in Tom’s eyes while he filmed a video for his insulin GoFundMe.” 

At press time, Makhoul was admitted to the hospital with a case of diabetic ketoacidosis as a result of trying to ration his remaining insulin, something he reluctantly admitted does not happen in Crank or its sequel, Crank: High Voltage.

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