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Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Cool it, Aries. Just because you watched Childish Gambino’s “This Is America” once doesn’t mean anyone gives a shit about the thinkpiece you’re thinking about writing.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your kindness will be tested this week, Taurus. An honest offer to help out at that new DIY space will result in several unsolicited dick pics, and… seriously, what the fuck is wrong with men, though?

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Congrats on your solar return this month, Gemini! Unfortunately, Uranus is around to shake things up. The planet of surprise has been wreaking havoc on your fellow twins lately, from Kanye West to Donald Trump. Consider rebranding your flaky gaslighting as being a “maverick” who “just tells it like it is.”

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Some say Cancer is a very suspicious, paranoid sign. Who said that, I can’t say. How many people, I really shouldn’t divulge. But what you should know, Cancer, is that everyone is talking shit about you when you aren’t around.

Leo (July 23- August 22)
Your bandmates have been feeling a little discouraged recently, Leo. Try switching up everyone’s role in the band, mid-set! I mean, shit, if you can play the bass, you can probably figure out drums too… right?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ve been thinking about changing your look for a while, Virgo. Now is the time! Retire those cargo shorts for full-on cargo pants — we’ve been wondering what you might look like with your calves covered since 2010.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Your creative efforts will face some challenges this month as Venus transits Pluto… but, they will be mostly positive, so shoot for the fences — contort your body in new ways to fit into the backseat with that bass amp and three boxes of merch.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ever the risk taker, you’ll be feeling extra bold this week, Scorpio. Embrace the chances you find yourself taking — get an edgy new haircut, ask out your crush, or even [brace yourself] try listening to albums made after 2004. We promise not to tell anyone.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)
Stop stealing from the thrift store, Sag. I think you can shell out 75 cents for that XXL Linkin Park shirt. You know what? On second thought, just take it. No one needs to see you buying that.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You’ve been really anxious this month, Capricorn… but what’s got you worried will end up being no big deal. You can’t have a bad dental appointment when you only have three teeth.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Financial trouble lies ahead this week, Aquarius. Your one pair of pants will rip — and not in a way that you can make work until payday. Plan accordingly.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
The Pisces symbol of two fish swimming in opposite directions is said to represent the division between dreams and reality. In your case, however, both fish are swimming towards two different fantasies — the fantasy that you’re on the verge of making it as a musician, and the delusion that things are going well at your day job.

Article by Courtney BakaElizabeth Teets, Allison Mick, and Chloe Connaughton.