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Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Feel free to take a mental health break today, Aries: you need it after all the mind games you’ve been put through. I don’t know why it’s this hard to join a co-op, either, but just hang in there — that 20% off bulk nutritional yeast will all be worth it in the end.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Consider how you come off to others this week, Taurus. Ska is not a crime, but putting up five Boomerangs in a row of Save Ferris at Back to the Beach should be. If you’re going to post concert footage on Instagram, make sure there’s sound.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
While it is important to model yourself after those you admire, it would benefit you to keep in mind that simply wearing a black T-shirt and yelling a lot does not make you Henry Rollins. It does, however, make your landlord think twice about renewing your lease.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Try cooking something that isn’t Top Ramen for once, Cancer. If that seems too daunting, maybe start with Sapporo Ichiban. Live a little.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Nesting is super important for your mental health this week, Leo. Turn that dingy-ass old bed sheet into a dingy-ass new curtain, and unwind in the comfort of your own space.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Most geniuses are unappreciated in their time, Virgo, and while it may not be very “punk,” you can rest easy knowing that the accounting scene would definitely appreciate your tour-booking Excel spreadsheet.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Yes, Libra, you may be incredibly charming… and one of the more romantic signs of the zodiac. But if you think those letters you’ve been sending to Grimes are gonna steal her away from Elon Musk, you are in for a rude awakening.

Scorpio (October 23- November 21)
We get it, Scorpio. You tattooed your elbow and your butthole, and no, we don’t want to see either of them.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of men who want to argue with you this month, Sagittarius. A two-hour conversation about David Foster Wallace may get his dick up, but he won’t know what to do with it after, so don’t engage.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
No one likes a know-it-all, Capricorn. Stifle the urge to correct others — even if your bassist did just say Lollapalooza is in St. Louis.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
As an Aquarius, you love to take on new projects. Unfortunately, as an Aquarius, you also love to abandon unfinished projects. Whether it’s your Etsy shop with two anti-Trump patches or your synth-pop band with three-and-a-half songs, you’re destined to leave behind a confusing and erratic body of work, puzzled over for generations to come.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your urge to walk on the wild side is always strong, Pisces. But be careful around the new moon next week — yogurt does actually expire.

Article by Courtney BakaElizabeth Teets, Allison Mick, and Chloe Connaughton.